Solitude

Days before Christmas

2005-12-22T15:51:00.000-06:00

I am always amazed at how quickly the day is upon me. And like last year, I find again that I have not remembered all my friends. Much remains to be done and communicated to those who I love and wish were closer geographically and relationally.

Perhaps this is part of the drive for New Years resolutions.

May your Christmas be filled with the joy that God himself has visited us, dwells with us and redeems us, all at the cost of a bowed knee at the gift he personally delivered in Christ.

Top 50

2005-09-02T14:08:00.000-05:00

Well I've been wanting to do this for a while. Publish
my list of the fifty best songs of all time (in my opinoin).
Feel free to debate or ask questions--there are many songs
that came so close but just didn't make the cut. The list
might not be perfect, but these are definitly my Top 50.
Enjoy.

[EXPLICT] - some swearing
[CHRISTIAN] - from a Christian band (duh)
[UNDEBATABLE] - these are without a second thought a member
of the greatest songs ever and cannot be taken out of that
group
[NTS] - I couldn't live without these songs (Need To Survive)

Alphabetically Aranged:

1) AFI - Girls Not Grey
Anberlin - Paperthin Hymn [CHRISTIAN]
Autopilot Off - Voice In The Dark [UNDEBATABLE] [NTS]
Big Wig - Falling Down [UNDEBATABLE] [NTS]
5) Billy Talent - Nothing To Lose
Blindside - Sleepwalking [CHRISTIAN]
Blink 182 - I Miss You
Breaking Point - Pheonix
Burlap to Cashmire - Scenes [CHRISTIAN]
10) Dead Poetic - New Medicines [CHRISTIAN]
Deftones - My Own Summer (Shove It) [EXPLICT]
Dogwood - Conscience In A Cave [CHRISTIAN]
Finch - Three Simple Words
Foo Fighters - Times Like These [UNDEBATABLE]
15) Frank Sinatra - Fly Me To The Moon [UNDEBATABLE]
Frank Sinatra - My Kind of Town
Goo Goo Dolls - City of Angels [UNDEBATABLE] [NTS]
Guns n' Roses - Welcome to the Jungle [UNDEBATABLE]
Hive - Ultrasonic Sound
20) Incubus - Drive
Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American
John Reuben - X-ray [CHRISTIAN]
Korn - Got the Life [EXPLICT]
Kutless - Pride Away [CHRISTIAN]
25) Letter Kills - Hold My Heart (Part One)
Linkin Park - Crawling
Linkin Park - Faint
Linkin Park - In The End [UNDEBATABLE] [NTS]
Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong
30) Lost Prophets - Last Summer [UNDEBATABLE] [NTS]
Newsboys - Take Me To Your Leader [CHRISTIAN]
Nirvana - Smells Like Team Spirit [UNDEBATABLE] [NTS]
Orgy - Blue Monday
P.O.D. - School Of Hard Knocks [CHRISTIAN]
35) Project 86 - Hollow Again [CHRISTIAN]
Project 86 - Last Meal [CHRISTIAN]
Project 86 - Soma [CHRISTIAN]
Project 86 - Your Heros Are Dead [CHRISTIAN]
Puddle Of Mud - Blurry
40) Rob D. - Clubbed To Death [NTS]
Rob Zombie - Dragula
Smile Empty Soul - Bottom of a Bottle
The Suicide Pact - Wisconsin
System of a Down - Toxicity
45) Taking Back Sunday - Cute Without the E
Three Days Grace - (I hate) Everything About You
Thursday - Understanding a Car Crash [UNDEBATABLE] [NTS]
U2 - Sunday Bloody Sunday
The Used - Take It AWay [EXPLICT]
50) Vast - Touched [UNDEBATABLE] [NTS]

The Unexpected

2005-08-30T22:47:00.000-05:00

There is so much to say since the last
time that I posted a blog. I hate not having time to sit and
write these daily, but what can I do?

I started school. Public school--it's not what I thought it
was, and it is at the same time. Thursday was possibly the
LONGEST day of my life. I actually cried I was so overwhelmed--
leave me alone, I'm a sensitive guy. The only thing that made
it better was the success of Traveling Light--it went wonderfully--
and Jessica Sabba (sp?) she's a God-send. Anna has awesome
friends, Jessica is by far my favorite.

Friday was just a wee bit better than the previous day at
school. I didn't get lost between every class like thursday.
I wasn't late for every class like thursday. And I talked to
some people who I sit next to--you guessed it--unlike thursday.

Saturday I worked myself to something I've decided to call
collapsation-point. That's the point where you collapse, for all
you Bad Guys who didn't understand.

Sunday was awesome, I love sunday. It's a great day. I had a great
time in worship. I got to talk to Tyler a little bit in sunday school.
And after church I went to lunch with Anna's parents. Had a really
good time and got free food! After lunch I went over to there house
and hung out with Anna all evening. It was a ton of fun. Tickling
war...

Yesterday was a little better than friday (at least it's improving
right?). I managed to make it to all of my classes on time, and my
excitement was more than I could have imagined when I opened my
locker (or lover if you can't punch the keypad on your phone) on my
own for the first time. A good, healthy sense of pride rushed over me.
School isn't like I thought it was going to be. Coming into public
school as a senior and trying to make friends is a much more daunting
task than I was originally inclined to believe. The other kids who are
trying to make friends are all freshman who are trying to "find their
place" and "fit in". And--from what I've observed of them--the seniors
already have their friends and cliques. Kids they've grown up with.
Adding myself to their numbers is...challenging.

I've always liked a challenge.

Today was just exhausting in every way...I can't say anything to elaborate
that.

Good night, Bad Guys.

P.S. Pray for Anna, she's overloaded her schedule and she's sick again.
She says it's like last time--and that was...terrible. She's got to be
healthy. Semester long chest cold is not good. Pray that she would take
her free time to rest and not fill it in with fun stuff to do--at least
till she gets better. It's only the fifth day of school and she's already
breaking down. Please pray for her.

P.P.S. I love you 'blues.

Mandark

2005-08-15T09:55:00.000-05:00

Anyone ever watch Dexter's LaborAtory?
Remember his nemisis, Mandark? Well if you do remember
Mandark you probably remember his laugh. He had a GREAT
laugh. It just cracked me up every time. Thing is, Dexter's Lab
didn't have too many viewers and it got canceled. Which is
a great pain to my heart. I can no longer hear Mandark's laugh.

I need Mandark's laugh. Especially now, so much is going on
with me, I hardly have time for everything. Between getting
ready for school, work, chores, drama, and the little bit of free
time I have I can just barely find time to update my blog.
Which I really enjoy doing. Anyway I'm getting off topic. Mandark's
laugh.

I think my desire to hear Mandark again is really my desire
to just be more carefree. To be able to laugh at some more
serious things. Mandark laughed when his plans failed and
he didn't get to take over the world. Why can't I laugh when
I have to push carts in the rain? When I get in trouble for
utterly ridiculous stuff? When my punishment is way to harsh?
when I have to do something I don't want to? When stuff doesn't
go my way?

Why do I have to make everything so serious? I need to laugh.
I need to laugh long and hard about the bad things. Like Mandark.

Yeah, like Mandark.

-Dosic

It's those eyes

2005-08-08T16:04:00.000-05:00

well, I suppose giving you a
play-by-play update of my life like I have been doing
can get somewhat boring. Sorry, I'm shallow.

There's, um, something about having free time and
doing nothing with it that kills me. I had nothing to
do today. No real responsabilities, no job to go to
(God knew what he was doing when he made a day of rest),
no people to see. Just a day where I could do anything.

...It's four o'clock and I've done--brace yourself--nothing.

I just feel drained. I dunno what it is. I haven't gone
through any tragedy. I haven't experienced any loss. I
haven't been hurt. I haven't felt anything. I don't feel
real. I can't think about anything, my mind just wanders
and roams. Only stopping long enough to focus a prayer
on the girl I love. There's a line from one of my favorite
songs. "I walked for miles on and on, searching in vain. A
voice in the dark calling your name...tempered my soul
walking through flames."

Reminds me Bilbo, "I feel thin, sort of stretched, like
butter scraped over too much bread."
Except unlike Bilbo, I don't have a good reason. I don't
have any reason. Sitting here I can name so many blessings.
There are so many good things in my life that I overlook.
I really can't wait to be on my own. Take care of myself.
Make my own descisions. Then I'll pace myself better. I'll
make sure to enjoy everything. I feel wasteful on days like
today, when there is everything to do.

When opportunities are asking to be jumped on and I remain
perfectly still. Asking myself what I should do next, when
all I should do, is just jump on one (an opportunity) and
never look back. Commit to something and stop being so
shallow.

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe it's a combination of alot of
things piling up. But I'm...bored. And I don't mean right
now. I mean I'm bored.

How long have I been in here? *checks clock*
Oh dear, I've done it again. Far too long in my own solitude.

It can be across the room.It can be centimeters away.
It can be right out of a picture. It's when she looks up.
It's when she puts her head down and looks over her
sunglasses. It's when they sparkle. It's when they fade
behind her blink. It's when those soft blue eyes see me,
they turn into razor blades. They cut all of this boredom
and loneliness and emptiness away. And replace the pain
with warmth and love. It's in those eyes I can escape.

But like I said I can't stay in here for too long.

--Dosic

Getting Away

2005-08-07T15:18:00.000-05:00

I'll calculate it...
Mon........ Evening (maybe)
Tues-Fri... 10:00-6:00 p.m.
Sat........ 11:00-9:00 p.m.
Thur....... 7:00-9:30 p.m.
Fri........ 7:00-11:00 p.m.

That leaves...more than one too many hours
here.

My nose and ears were bleeding this morning.
That can't be good. Hope nothing's wrong...
Whatever.

The edge of my vision is doing that in-a-dream
effect.

*does eye-snaps-like-the-crack-of-a-whip thing*

...

I really like the word "thing".

Bad guys, get me now. It's the chance of a lifetime.

train of my thought

2005-08-04T08:10:00.000-05:00

Long days at work. Longer days at home.
I keep getting up earlier and earlier. All I want to do
is go back to
bed.
One last disguise.
Eight hours gets longer each time it passes.
My hands and feet are blistered.
I'm not complaining.
This is my life.
"Suck it up!"
The disease.
I'd been infected with it.
She held my hand under the table.
My head always spins when my ears bleed.
Don't.
Expect.
To.
Understand this.
I need to confess my shortcomings.
Did somebody turn out the lights?

Back to cart pusheling

2005-07-26T21:29:00.000-05:00

Well, today was my first day back at Meijer.
It was...like it always is. I met some people who thought I was
"new." Which was funny, cause I'd go inside and everyone would
know me and then the real "new" people would be like, "aren't
you new?"

It's nice to be back. And making money. And to feel needed and
wanted at a real job. Soo many people came up to me and were all,
"MARTY! WHERE YOU BEEN!?" Yeah, it's nice to be back. Funny thing
happened, I walked outside to push some more carts and Jose was
coming in to clock in. He stops looks at me, shouts "Marty!" and
then runs at me with his arms out and gave me a hug...the little
wierdo... It does feel good to be missed though. Makes me feel like
I'm worth something.

Anyway it turned out to be a really weird day back, it was disgustingly
hot and humid all afternoon. And then it poured, and it poured, and
it poured. Nothing like a rain day to return to. Makes me
wonder why I ever left in the first place (notice the sarcasim). I
do enjoy the rain, infact, I love the rain. I just don't like pushing
carts in it. I had a little crisis with Anna at Meijer too, she thought
she got her purse stolen. She was so scared and worried, poor Babyblues.
But I helped her out (a little) and she found her purse (not stolen, only
lost) and she was able to return to being her happy self. Anna is too
good for me.

Anywho, I decided not to go to drama tonight cause I
didn't wanna drive up to Itasca in the rain. Too risky--Meijer needs
me. Hopefully I won't forget all my lines for thursday night. Anna is
coming, don't want to embaress myself in front of her (again).

And, I'm done now.

Good night, bad guys. You're breathing with your mouth open.

Six Months

2005-07-26T09:08:00.000-05:00

Before I start this post, I want to make a C.S.S. update.
There will NOT be a meeting tonight, mostly because I
was unable to find a meeting place that is suitable for
the needs of C.S.S. I will continue looking and hopefully
I will find a spot soon.

Well, it's been six months, since I started going out with
Anna. Can you believe it? It went by soo fast. It seems
just like yesterday I was asking her out the first time. I
can remember everything we've done over these last six
months. They have been so much fun. I hope I never forget
them (I know that I won't). Six months is such a long time.
Half a year, I can't even think about it like that. It seems
like so long and it went by so incredibly fast. I've grown
so close to Anna, I pray every night that we will continue
to grow closer--to each other and God. I'm so blessed and
happy to have such a pretty, sweet, fascinating girl.

I want this to last forever.

I LOVE ANNA!!!

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like on
Jupiter and Mars
In other words,
Hold my hand
In other words,
Baby(blues) kiss me
Fill my heart with song
And let me sing forever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words,
Please be true
In other words,
I love you...

Profit?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-22T09:06:00.000-05:00

Last night was opening night. And I'm happy
to say, it went very well.

Everyone hit all there cues, no big flubs, and all the
stage crew stuff went really well. The audience enjoyed
it, and the cast had a blast.

It was a really great first night, I got alot of feedback.
And a whole lot of friends came out to support me--thanks.

I can't wait for tonight's performance!

Daydreamin'

2005-07-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

Ever hear a really cheesy song but feel
like it perfectly matches your feelings? And makes
you feel all sappy and rock-balladish (if rock-balladish
is a feeling that is...)?

Of course you have, that's why people write cheesy
songs. I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing is the song that
has triggered my "cheesy-sense", so to speak. It's
been a week since I've seen Anna. And the most I've
talked to her is for about 15 minutes. I can tell
myself, "It's only a week," or "You'll see her in a
few days, it's just a few days." But it doesn't really
help. I've got this gut-wrenching, heart-aching, spine-
tingling feeling that makes me want to be with her.
Near her. I miss her laugh and smile. It's only a week.
It feels like soo long. I can't wait to see her again.
It's one thing when you're away from someone you love
for a while, but it's a whole nother (nother?) story
when you barely get to talk to them or hear from them.
My body aches from not seeing her. I need my Vitamin Anna.

I've got it bad, I know. But, I want it that way.

I love Anna, I can't wait to see her smiling face
again. It's gonna be like the sun coming up. It's gonna
be like grape soda. It's gonna be like Christmas Morning.
It's gonna be like a new cd. It's gonna be like my
favorite jeans. It's gonna be like it always is--perfect.

Dress Rehersal

2005-07-19T08:58:00.000-05:00

Last night I had my first dress rehersal
for Profit?. My costume is really cool. I have moccasins that
cut off the blood flow to my feet! It's great.

Anyway, it was a very long rehersal. I still am not fully memorized
and the show starts thusday... Only one more pracice tonight before
the big premier.

The play is starting to come along though. I enjoy watching the parts
that I'm not in. It's entertaining (which is one of our goals). I've
really had a lot of fun working on this and getting to meet a bunch
of new people. I've made some friends (goodness, that sounds cheesy).

I think now I'll mention the Plunks. Pastor Plunk and his wife are,
well, to put it nicely, obsessed with each other. I'm talking one of
them walks of stage and goes over to the other and they start making
out. She's constantly hanging on him, and when they're on stage
together he's checking her out! Now, normally you might think it
would be somewhat awkward to be around people like that all the time,
but they are infact quite the opposite. It's really neat (I think) to
see two people who've been married for a while (I think they've been
married about 8 years) who are still crazy about each other. They
remind me of Betty and Henry. I've never heard anyone talk about their
husband/wife as highly as Betty and Henry talk about each other. When
I get married (if that's God's will for me to do so *crosses fingers*),
I hope that my wife is as into me as I plan on being into her. I just
think that's cool. That's the way it should be.

Reba (the director) called me brilliant last night. Which is a fantastic
compliment, entirely untrue, but fantastic nonetheless.

...Did I mention how uncomfortable my costume is? How the leather straps
to my moccasins stop the circulation in my lower legs!?

The Highlight -- I got to talk to Anna yesterday for a few minutes.

Naturally one would think I'd miss her, but I really miss her. A lot.

Highlights of Last Night

2005-07-16T07:40:00.000-05:00

1. Finally got a taste of Kumiss.
2. Made it through an entire scene of Profit? without laughing at myself.
3. Didn't get called Molly.
4. Got to listen to my Anberlin cd all the way through (finally)
5. Found out Justin does magic and thinks (thought, after he saw me) that he's good at it.
6. Went to Itasca Fest for an hour and did magic side by side with Justin.
7. Got hit on by some hot girls. *clicks cheeks*
8. Walked through a crowd of drunks and heard some funny stuff.
9. Got to go home at 10:00 rather than midnight!
10. Didn't spontaneously combust (wouldn't that suck though?).

A Love Story

2005-07-15T11:36:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a boy. He stood at the very edge of a cliff. His dress was presentable but nothing extraordinary. All he had with him was a small glass heart. He had it tucked in pocket, it was safe. At first he enjoyed being on the cliff. He danced around and laughed because nothing really mattered. He had his glass heart in his pocket and he was fine. But eventually he grew tired and sat down, feet dangling off the side of the cliff he pulled his glass heart out of his pocket to look at. And there he stayed.

One day, a sweet little girl came onto the cliff. She came up behind him. "Hello," she said.

He startled, and nearly dropped his glass heart off into oblivion. But he didn't. He stood and turned around to greet the girl. "Hi, what's your name?"

The girl smiled, "My name is First."

"That's a beautiful name."

"Thank you," she giggled. "What's your name?"

"My name is Cold."

"That's a silly name," she said with the same innocent smile. "What are you doing out here?"

"I'm just sitting, and looking at this," he said as he held out his glass heart. It was red glass and it reflected the light like a cut ruby. It was dazzling.

"That's very pretty," she said. "I have one too." And she held out her hand. In her palm was a glass heart. Except, unlike Cold's heart her glass heart wasn't red. It was clear. It was pure. The glass had no shade. It was perfectly clear glass.

"Wow," Cold said. "It's very nice."

"Thank you, so is yours."

"Can I hold it?"

She hesitated.

"I'll let you hold mine."

"Okay," she said with a smile. "But you have to be careful. If you drop it, it will break."

"Don't worry, I promise I won't drop it. I'll be very careful."

"I believe you, here."

And First gave Cold her glass heart. And he looked at it for a long time and then he stuffed it in his pocket and First put Cold's into her own pocket and together they danced and laughed on the cliff. But they grew tired, and they decided to stop dancing and to sit on the edge, feet dangling off the side of the cliff. First pulled out Cold's heart and held it close to her chest, safely clutched in her delicate grasp. Cold stood up and took a step away from First and he held up the glass heart. He stretched it out in front of him, off the side of the cliff. And he let the light come down on it and make it glow and sparkle, making it even more beautiful. First saw him and laughed and watched. Over time First slowly slid towards Cold until she sat on the edge of the cliff, feet dangling off the side and Cold stood above her. She held out Cold's red heart and let the light come down on it and make it glow and sparkle, making it even more beautiful. Her arms grew weak and she didn't want to drop it, so she put it back in her pocket and then she leaned back against Cold and she smiled, that same old smile.

"Don't drop it," she said. "It's everything I have you know."

"I won't drop it, I promise." Cold looked down and smiled back at her.

And there they sat and stood for a long time. And Cold's arms were strong, and he wouldn't let go. He held the heart tightly. But then, something terrible happened. It began to snow, and the snow came and Cold's hand's became chilled and lost there strength. He began to shiver, and he dropped the glass heart.

...First saw the heart falling, she reached out as fast as she could and she grabbed it. "You dropped it!" she said, tears in her eyes. "You dropped it."

"I didn't mean to, it just got so cold I couldn't hold on any more. Please, let me hold it again."

"You'll drop it."

"No I won't! I promise, I won't drop it. I'll be really careful."

"You promise?"

"I promise, First. I won't drop it." Cold spoke with all the conviction he had.

"Okay, I believe you. Here." And First gave Cold her heart once again.

The snow stopped and it grew warm and Cold held the heart out in front of him, off the side of the cliff. First sat at his feet like always. And there they stayed for a long time. But then, something terrible happened. A gust of wind came. And Cold swayed in the breeze and once again he dropped the glass heart.

...First saw the heart falling, she reached out as fast as she could and she grabbed it. "You dropped it!" she said, the same scared and hurt tears in her eyes. "You dropped it! You said you wouldn't drop it!"

"I didn't mean to, the wind blew and I couldn't hold on any more. Please, let me hold it again. I need it...I love it."

"You'll only drop it again."

"No I won't! I promise, I won't drop it this time. I'll be so careful. I promise you, I won't drop it this time. Just give me one more chance. Please. Let me hold it again. I need it...I love it."

"Okay, I believe you. Here. Be careful. It's everything I have you know." And First gave Cold her heart once again.

The wind stopped and it grew still and peaceful. Cold held the heart out in front of him, off the side of the cliff. First sat at his feet like always. And there they stayed for a long time.

"I'm getting tired," First said as she yawned.

"It's okay, go to sleep, take a nap."

"What if you drop it? I won't be able to catch it if I go to sleep."

"Don't worry, I won't drop. I love it. I'll take care of it. I promise."

"Okay, I believe you. Here. Be careful. It's everything I have you know." And First gave Cold her heart once again.

"Go to sleep, I'll be careful."

And First went to sleep. A peaceful trusting sleep. And for a long time, Cold held her clear glass heart over the side of the cliff. But then, something happened. Something came, a wind, a snow, a blessing in disguise and Cold dropped the glass heart. And it fell.

It fell, it fell, and it fell.

SHATTER!

First's glass heart hit the rocks at the bottom of the cliff and broke into a million pieces. She woke up at the sound.
"YOU DROPPED IT! YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T DROP IT AND YOU DROPPED IT! IT WAS EVERYTHING I HAD! YOU SAID YOU'D BE CAREFUL!" And First took Cold's red heart and she slammed it with all of her remaining strength into the cliff face. And it broke into two pieces.

"NO!" Cold shouted. "That was everything I had."

"I'm sorry," First said as she cried. "Here, take your two pieces."

"No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have dropped yours." First could only cry. "Let's go see if we can save it."

And so down the cliff they climbed, and when they reached the bottom of the cliff they gathered up First's broken heart and laid it in a pile. And First cried and cried until her tears wore grooves into her innocent cheeks. Scarring her.
"It was everything I had!" She said completely broken.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

"You said you'd be careful!"

"I'm sorry, I just couldn't hold on to it any more."

"You promised that you'd take care of it! You said you loved it!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drop it."

"You should have tried harder to hold on! YOU SAID YOU LOVED IT!"

"I'm sorry First, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"IT WAS EVERYTHING I HAD!"

"You still have all the pieces, you can put it back together."

"No I can't, Cold. It's broken."

"I'll help you put it back together."

"NO! It's your fault. Whose going to want this now, Cold?"

"I don't know."

"Look at it, Cold. It's broken."

"What do I do!?"

First could only shake her head.

"It was so beautiful," Cold said, remembering.

"So was yours. I didn't mean to break it, Cold. I'm sorry."

"Mine isn't broken nearly as badly as yours."

"You still can't put it back together."

"You're right, I can't. Here, take this." Cold held out one side of his broken heart. "I want you to have it."

"Here, take a piece of mine too. I want you to have it, because you loved it so much."

And Cold began to cry. And First cried. Because they had to.

And they each took the piece of the others heart. They looked each other in the eye and couldn't say anything.

Cold turned away from First, and First turned away from Cold. And they walked away. But then, something happened, Cold turned around and he called out. "I'm sorry First!"

First stopped but didn't turn around.

"I didn't mean to." Cold continued.

First swallowed the lump in her throat and with her back turned to Cold, "Do you remember when we danced and laughed?" she asked.

"Yes!" Cold answered.

First turned around. "Don't forget that, Cold."

Cold set his jaw firm and through his teeth he said, "I won't. I promise."

"I believe you."

"You believe me?" Cold asked in disbelief.

And First looked at him, and with that same old smile she nodded.

THE END

This isn't who you think it is.

2005-07-14T21:53:00.000-05:00

Wow, ladies and gentlemen. Can you believe how boring Marty's blog has gotten? He hasn't talked about a very special person for an entire 2 posts. I think the whole, "Yippie, I have the entire house to myself" thing has gotten to him. And he hasn't even written anything about that yet.

Hey, Mart. Let's reminisce, shall we? Fried burgers and green jello. Cheerios. Newspapers. Mountain Dew and spring showers. Pine cones. Golfing. Two o'clock in the morning. Running. Screaming. Phone calls. Pants. And yarn. Lots and lots of yarn. Aubrie, my dear, you are a genius. It wouldn't be the same without the yarn.

For those of you who didn't get a Thursday night phone call, Marty had a great weekend. :oP

And she said her adieus...
the lady fair

C.S.S.

2005-07-10T01:03:00.000-05:00

I'm starting a club. Below are some rules. I had a revalation tonight. I was Alone, Golfing, and Cold. It's going to be called the C.S.S. To find out what that means you'll have to attend a meeting and be judged worthy. I'm not sure where we will meet. I'll figure that out later. Anyone is welcome to come, as long as you can swing a golf club or throw a pine cone. This is very important to me. It's not to be poked fun at, it's to be taken seriously. And never to be spoken of, only known of. Only attended.

The rules:

1. You must wear a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up at all meetings.

2. You must bring an eight iron if you have one.

3. You are to never talk about coming, planning to come, or anything that happened. at the meeting

4. When you come, before you approach me/anyone you must bow your head, blow on your chest, and thank God for one thing.

5. Walk up to me quietly. And say, "I'm here for the C.S.S." I'll acknowledge you.

6. Don't talk again after that until I say (you'll understand why when it happens).

7. Walk in front of me and stand facing away from me. Don't turn around until you are going to leave.

8. When you leave the meetings, there are no goodbyes. You just leave.

9. You can leave the meetings at any time.

10. The meetings end immediately if I decide to leave.

11. Don't expect to have fun. That's not what this is about, and don't come if you don't like that.

12. Anything you hear is to be kept to yourself. Talk about C.S.S. don't talk about what you hear while there.

13. You're not a "member" until you find out what C.S.S. stands for.

14. If you ever tell someone what C.S.S. stands for, you are not welcome back to any C.S.S. meetings.

15. Talk to me about C.S.S. before you talk to anyone else about it.

16. No lying.

Bluck and Rellow

2005-07-09T15:43:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna paint my room while my parents
are gone!

Shh, it's all very hush hush.

Let there be polka dots!!!

I'm home

2005-07-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

Okay, well I'm back. I'm back and I have
the house all to myself! You know I've been up to no
good.

Well, I'll post again when things calm down. When
I calm down. So much to say later, that I'll probably
say nothing.

This is my pointless blog.

I'm no longer Hero.

All the way from WV

2005-07-01T16:18:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. My grandma just got
internet access so looky what I can do!

Fifth day into my two week vacation and honestly,
I'm having fun but I'm getting tired of it all.

I can only handle so much of my family, and without
being able to see friends or go anywhere...I can
only begin to explain.

Monday was rough? No, rough isn't strong enough.
Monday was positively miserable. At least it started
off that way. I am a horrible son sometimes. I mean
really REALLY horrible. I can't believe myself, I
can be so wicked it literally makes me sick to my
stomach. I was disgusted with myself all day until
I called my dad that night and apologized for some
stuff I did before my mom, sisters, and I left the
house.

The 11 hour car ride wasn't actually all that bad
though. [(My mom is wonderful) -- by request] I got
to drive four half of it! If I had a terminal disease
and they told me I had a week to live, I would stretch
it one more day just so I could drive. It's truly that
great to me. Oh, so awesome. Anyway we arrived at my
Grandma Deloris's house early in the day and had
Trinity and Celest, my two younger and hyper-active
cousins come over and show us every talent they have.
Entertaining? you ask. More like obnoxious, but hey
what can you do. I don't get to see them too much and
a beautiful young lady once told me, "Life is too short
to be a grump." So I decided to enjoy my cousins the
rest of the time I'm here even if they are annoying.

The next day we went to Gabriel Brothers aka the
greatest store in the world. I bought so many clothes.
It made me happy. I know it sounds a little odd for me
to say how happy new clothes make me--being a guy and
all. But, when you look as good as I do, you're allowed
to show some excitement about it. ;)

Wednesday was a recovery day I played alot of chess.

Thursday we went back to Gabe's, as we affectionately
call it. And then over to the Morgantown Mall. It's nice
to see some people. I even got to do some magic!

And tonight we're going to see some 42 member cast local
theater production...*shakes head*. I'll be a pessimopto-
mist and expect the worst and hope for the best.

I miss my bed, I miss my computer, I miss hanging out with
friends, I miss church and drama, and I really miss Babyblues.

Anna, I owe you these when I get home:
XOXO...X

Careful, bad guys, I'm coming back sharper than ever!

--Hero

My red bleeding ...

2005-06-25T11:51:00.000-05:00

...I am Hero.

From now on, call me Hero.
I will be Hero. Not a Hero, but Hero. Eventually
someone will care enough to figure out why I'd
like to be called Hero. But I'm not saying why.
I'm just saying, from now on, I am Hero, not Marty.

Anyway...This is my last post until I return from vacation. I know that I'm just not going to have another chance to get on here and do my bloggercising again.

It's gonna be a long ride out to WV. Seriously pray that I will have a good attitude about being in the car with my family. It's going to be brutal. I also had this dream about getting caught in a rockslide...bad omen right before I go on vacation to the mountains.

~Today also marks the 5th month that Anna and I have been going out. Bad guys, it's been the best five months I've ever had. I'm closer to God, I'm learning more and more each day. Anna is having such a positive impact on my life. She is such a blessing. I don't know where I'd be without her. I owe her so much for what she's done already. She's the absolute best.

I love you, Babyblues!

To spite the fact the drive out to WV and PA and Atlantic City is gonna be ....heck on wheels, I'm excited about vacation. I can't wait to see my Grandma and the rest of the family. The shore has always been a highlight of my year, I know it will be the same this year. It's gonna be awesome. I really can't wait. I'm gonna miss everyone though. I'm gonna miss almost half of my Profit? practices and I'll miss a bunch of Traveling Light rehersals too. It's gonna be weird not going to church for two sundays and seeing everyone--it always is when I go on vacation. I'm gonna miss my bed too I always miss my bed. And Joy, but she might be gone before we leave... Poor kitty. I'm really REALLY REALLY!! gonna miss Anna. I won't even be able to call her when I want cause reception is so bad out in West Virginia. *sigh* Pray I can survive without her for two weeks--I'm mostly being over-dramatic, but then again...

Today has been good so far, I ate breakfast with my sweetie and later today I'm going to Leslie's birthday "party"! Gonna watch some Shrek 2!!

That's it for a while, bad guys, talk amongst yourselves.
;)

P.S. Babyblues, you don't have to call me Hero, just everyone else. You can call me whatever you want! I love you.

12:58

2005-06-23T12:58:00.000-05:00

..........
I don't know what it is.
But there is something about
this morning that makes me
want to talk to myself.

Do you hear that? That still,
small Voice? ...Nevermind, I
guess I'm just imagining
things again. It's only me.

Okay, no, listen closer. Be
quiet for just a minute. And
listen.

...do you hear it now? No, huh?
I wish I heard an active, booming
voice instead. So it'd be easier.
So I wouldn't feel so confused.
So you could hear it with me.

It's a good day to talk to
yourself. Today is a good day
to think.

Close your eyes. Bow your head.
And listen. You don't have to be
talking to yourself. It's a good
day for a lot of things.

Do you hear it now?

SOMEONE!!!!
PUT THE DREAMERS BACK TO SLEEP!!
..........

Pray for Anna, she's getting sick again. I talked to her last night and she had a coughing fit.
Pray for me, I need a job.
Pray for my family, that we have a safe vacation.
Pray for me, I'm going on vacation with my family.

What happened?

2005-06-22T21:55:00.000-05:00

Everything seemed to be going up-hill.

Nothing seemed wrong. I thought things
were working out... What's going on?

I have this feeling, like the one you
get when you listen to that one song.
It's just rushing through me. Like a
heart-felt hug. Like the magic words
"I love you." Like a breath of cold
air. Like the wind in your face. Like
waking up in someone elses bed. Like
screaming and nothing comes out.

...what happened?

How did it get this way?
Is this my fault?

I thought things were getting clearer.
And now, I just don't know.

There were only a few of us. And now
I don't know if there are any left.
I'm talking about the dreamers. Those
people who can't give up there goals,
even though, those goals are impossible.
Where are you, dreamers?

I feel something bad coming. This
dreamer feels a nightmare. A nighterror.

Sleep tight, bad guys...

...You'll need the rest tomorrow.

My 35 hour day

2005-06-18T19:51:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm running a little tired today.
It's been a pretty good day so far.
I've been awake since Friday morning at 8something.
I worked around the house friday morning and then went to help
Meredith out at church. I also helped Aubrie color in her
super cool crocodile!

--I can't remember what the heck I said in my last blog...sorry
if I repeat details--

I didn't get home till around 9 oclock and I went straight to bed--
Jason, Dad, Uncle Ed, and I all had a 5:34 tee time for golf the next
morning. Jason set it up...

Anyway so I went to bed for like an hour, I kept my phone in my
hand cause I had told Anna to call me when she got off work. She
called at 11 and I didn't hear my phone ring cause I was smothering
it under my chest. Anyway eventually I heard it (the forth call) and
I talked to her for a few minutes. She let me go earlier than usual
cause I had to get up so early. Not that it mattered, I couldn't get
back to sleep. I shoulda just called her back, but oh well. I got maybe
another half hour of sleep before I woke up at four to get ready to
go golfing.

4:40 came around and my dad and I drove over to Uncle Ed's for breakfast.
It was still dark outside to give you an idea of what 4:40 looks like.
The fog was more like a floating river above the street. Kinda serene
actually if I could have just been up to look around.

Anyway we went to the golf course. It's also cold outside at 5:30.
I had a blast golfing with Jason and driving the golf cart around.
So much fun. We're dangerous together. I got a 14 on a par 5 using only
my driver (for putting, chipping, and everything). Better than Jason's
16 on the same hole doing the same thing!

Like I said, it was a blast.

Anyway then we went out to breakfast at Creme de la Creme it was...hardy.

From there I came home and did something for a few hours, oh yeah I went
to pick up our car it was "at the shop" so to speak.

After that I went to my first Profit? practice. How'd it go?
FREAKING AWESOME BABY!!!!!
It's gonna be so much fun to do this play. My character is cool (now that
I've read the script) and all the people that showed up and I got to
meet seemed really cool. I was laughing so hard with them I was starting
to cry. It was great. They started making fun of me. And oh man. It was
awesome, LOL. I can't wait to go back.

Now I'm home and I really need to eat something since I haven't eaten since
breakfast. That's it for now, I'm gonna give Anna a surprise visit at work
tonight, at least I'm hoping to.

Good night, bad guys, and suck in that gut!

As I walk in another man's shoes...

2005-06-17T22:34:00.000-05:00

Have I ever mentioned to you guys that I really despise 355? The roads are so bumpy.

I’m so very distraught today. I haven’t seen the beautiful face of my Anna yet and it’s already 7pm. I think I might just cry. Have I told you what an incredible girl she is (oh, wait, yes I have…over…and over…). She’s amazing. And I love her. I love her.

Yesterday was such an awesome day. I started my day off by waking up at 4:30. Yes, it’s true. And I’m still sane. I stepped outside as I ate my breakfast of a foot shaped pancake. It was a little chilly, so I decided to start a bonfire in the backyard. It was great. The flames were at least (at least!!) 7 feet tall. I accidentally burned half of the shirt off my body, but all is well. And my shoes. You don’t even want to see my shoes. I don’t think you can call them shoes anymore. You can call them a pair of charred fabric with some melted rubber at the bottom. And Meredith has always told me not to warm my feet too close…gosh! I’m such a freakin’ idiot!

I bummed around for a while after that. I wrote another book. I named it Bor: The Sequel of Tor. I’m planning on sending it off soon, but I think I should run it through spell check first. If you’re nice, I’ll post some excerpts on here in a day or two.

After writing my book, I decided I should go help out at the church for VBS. I started out by helping Aubrie set up the “bridge”. Her net installing skills are so bad; I just ripped it out of her hands and told her to go do something else. Then I played with the staple gun until Anna came. We hugged and we were so cute, Aubrie was watching us from afar and said, “Awwwwww. You guys are so cute.” Duh. Of course we are.
After doing some random stuff, Meredith, Aubrie, and I headed over to the resource room to eat lunch. I played with the “Full Armor of God” toys and decided my mother needed knighted. You know, I realized later that it was a bad idea, because all her “knightly strength” got to her head, and she practically picked me up and threw me off the desk I was sitting on, just so she could grab a few paper clips. Bad idea…now she’s bench pressing cars and threatening people with her sword.

After lunch we went back to working on the bridge. My mom drew planks and Aubrie drew this totally awesome, amazing, incredible, awesome, amazing crocodile under the “bridge. I can’t tell you how awesome, amazing, and incredible it was. I helped her color it. They’re going to have problems at church, the bridge looks so awesome. People are going to be like, “Woah! Be careful while going over that old creaky bridge! Ahhh!!!!! It’s a crocodile!!!!!!!!!!” I’m telling you it looks so real. Just don’t fall in the water.

Matt’s song was played on Shine. We all listened to it at church. It’s so cool that I know a famous person. I think he needs to treat us all to a celebration dinner (at the most expensive restaurant in town)…now that he’s a famous rapper. You know what, though. I think he needs to get his braids redone. Again. I think they’re getting a little too loose. You know, to keep braids looking great, they really should be redone…oh, every couple of days or so. Every other day would be great too. However, if you want them looking their absolute greatest, it would be best to get them redone every day. You know, he needs to have great looking braids now that he’s famous.

Tomorrow is bound to be a great day, and I bet you can guess why.

Bad guys, I’m still watching you.

And he dreamt that night of his ain true love…

I love you.

Just close your eyes and take a slow breath

2005-06-16T21:57:00.000-05:00

Today was an interesting day. I woke up late and
got the day started slowly. I eventually sat down to do some math and
then gave up on it for good. I decided I wouldn't work the math over
the summer and instead I'd just take a math class at BHS next year.
I feel lazy and I'm upset and dissapointed in myself for not finishing
it.

First thing I've actually had to quit that's school related. I'm really
mad at myself for it. REALLY.

I got to spend all afternoon with Anna, which was fun. We ran a few
errands and took Betty to Fox Valley to pick up her car. That was fun.
We listened to some of my music. And Betty seemed interested, it which
is always cool. I played her some Suicide Pact.
Then me and Anna came back rented Akira and got a late lunch.
She watched Akira with me!
I love that girl. She sat through probably one of the weirdest animes out
there for me. She's the best.

I took her home a little late. My fault entirely, again. Makes me
even more mad at myself.

Anyway, I went to drama, that was...an expierience. Like always I guess.
I finally met Tommy!!!
I've got a face to match all the stories now.
I drove home with Matt and had some good conversations for how short a
drive it was.

Friends are some of the best things in the entire world.

Well that's it for now.

Good night, bad guys.

I love you, Anna.

WOO HOOO!!!!!

2005-06-15T08:56:00.000-05:00

OKAY, YESTERDAY

ROCKED!!! I GOT

TO SPEND ALL

DAY WITH ANNA!!!.

ALL DAY!!!

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,

LOOK HOW BIG

THE LETTERS ARE!!!

THAT'S CAUSE IT WAS

THIS AWESOME!!!

MY GIRLFRIEND IS

THE BOMB!!!

SO SWEET,

SO BEAUTIFUL,

AND SO MUCH FUN!!!

YESTERDAY WAS SUCH

A GOOD DAY, THAT I'M

STILL HAPPY

ABOUT IT!!!

It goes like this

2005-06-13T18:53:00.000-05:00

I wish for you to understand
What I know
What I am
And what will be
I wish for you to believe and have faith
To realize I would never lie to you,
And that I have no reason to
I do this not for myself, no matter what you think
I do this not for you either and don't let that be pain
I do this--I ask you to believe--for the simple sake of us and a walk in the rain

Request

2005-06-11T13:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, for everyone who reads this say a prayer for
Anna. She's getting worse.
Pray for her to be brave and be healed.
And for her to relax for a while and take it easy.

Please, pray for Babyblues.

Punch in the face!

2005-06-08T21:31:00.000-05:00

I don't even know why, I'm just really tired.
Musta been the sit-ups. I doubled my daily dose today.

Anyway, not much happened today, I mowed the lawn super early cause it
had to be nice for my dad to be out there for his day of prayer. So picky.
jkjk

I took the ACT practice test today, I only got a 25 I'm dissapointed in it.
Very dissapointed actually. I want to be smarter than that. Not that it's a
bad score. I just wanna be better. Let's see if I got a...a 36 I'd be happy.
That's unlikely. Beyond the scope of a miracle most likely an impossibility.

Last night was awesome. Anna came over and we watched Run Lola Run. I don't
think she liked it too much. I like the movie though. Next time she'll pick
the movie. Then we went outside and sat by the fire for a couple hours, mostly
talking. It was a beautiful night, for all you bumsteads who stayed inside--you
missed a good one. I wouldn't have traded those last few hours with Babyblues
for anything, they're the best part of my week. I got her back a little late
last night though, she got talked to. *sigh* Entirely my fault. It won't happen
again though. Can't have her getting in trouble.

*yawns* Everyone please pray for Anna. She's still sick--she's been sick for
a LONG time. And it doesn't seem to be improving very quickly. Pray for her
to be healed and not have any more headaches or coughing fits. It's just not
right that she has to be sick. It's just not right.

Well, bad guys, take care and *arches eyebrows* watchout!

11 a.m.

2005-06-06T22:24:00.000-05:00

7 a.m.

The garbage truck beeps as it backs up, and I start my day thinking about what I've thrown away.

Could I push rewind?

All the credits strewn in signifying the end, but I missed the best part.

Could we please go back to start?

Forgive my indecision.

Then again, then again, then again you're always first when no one's on your side.

Today I woke up, and rolled over and went back to bed. I didn't want to get up today. I wasn't ready for today. O well, not much I can do I suppose. Life goes on.
I collected my-self rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and walked to the garage to gather the needed supplies to seal our back porch. I walked up the wooden stairs that I would soon be covering in oil rolled up my sleeves and started sealing. Took me over four hours but the porch is now water-safe. Please, hold your dazzled applause. It goes on. I came back inside and sat down on the computer. I timed it perfectly and got to talk to Anna for a little bit. We made plans for tonight. Anyway, the day passed by with me doing random things. I cleaned the basement and straightened my room--I'm trying to keep it live-able now that i finally got it that way. Anyway seven o'clock rolled around when Anna was supposed to call me after soccer. She didn't call so I gave her a jingle. She was hanging out with her good buddy Niki. Anyway since she ditched me--no hard feelings--I called up Jason. I drove over to his house and we then proceeded to drive around Naperville suburbs passing out flyers for Two Brother and Cousin Lawn Care Service (we tried to be creative with the name). Anyway, we had lots of time while we were driving around to mailboxes to talk. We reminisced about old times. Re-told old stories and just enjoyed the time and listened to some good music. It was a good night. Absolutely gorgeous out tonight. I might sit outside for a while. Or maybe go for a walk.

My real-life ideal

2005-06-04T22:04:00.000-05:00

For everyone who really knows me, or would
take long enough to let me tell them about my passions, you know
I'm a hopeless romantic. So I've done my share of dreaming and
over-thinking. I am so blessed. I often look at the bad side of things,
probably because I dream so much about perfection and ideals that
well, everything else doesn't seem as great. But today, on the way
back from auditions for Profit? I reallized something. You see, I
went to turn on the radio and my dad turned it off. "Come on, dad."
"I don't get a chance to talk to you very often. So I don't want it on."
Funny thing is, I don't know why I do this, but I always think I'm
gonna get in trouble when my dad wants to talk to me. It's not like
that. I just talked to him. Just like he was any of my friends. I
talked about Anna. And it didn't seem weird, like it normal does.
Then a rain drop hit really hard on the windsheild. Just one, single
rain drop. That's all it took. I was back on that path with Anna in the
rain... Back in that world where everything goes perfectly. "Call mom,
Mart. See if she or your sisters want anything from Taco Bell." I come
out of my trance blinking. I don't even know what happened. It's raining
hard, and we're not on the highway anymore. We're at the drive through.
And I realize, my ideal--it's right here. It always has been. Life is
what I make it. If I choose to be depressed all the time, that's a choice.
If I choose to be happy, the same. God has given me so many wonderful things.
I have a family who loves me--my dad drove all the way up to the audition
with me, sat in a 90+ degree room while I performed. He didn't have to
do that. My mom and sisters couldn't wait till I got home to ask me
how the audtion went. I've got teachers and leaders whom I respect and who
respect me and care about me. I've got the best friends, who like me
even when I'm weird/normal. I've got the most attractive girl I've ever
met as a girlfriend, and she loves me (I love her more). And I've got a God
who takes care of me when I don't even give Him credit for it. And provides
all these amazing things for me. And loves me so deeply, that I can't even
understand. I can't even imagine what His love for me is like. I know it's
stronger than I love Anna--that's alot. It blows my mind to think about that.
I can't even compare my deepest feelings to how I know in my mind how much He
cares for me. Bad guys, welcome to my ideal.

One to another

2005-06-02T22:24:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. Traveling Light our
drama project for this summer is looking very promising.

It seems like Betty already has EVERYTHING planned out for how
it's all gonna run. And it's gonna be great I've got this
feeling like I'm not gonna be able to believe it when it's all
done.

We've got the talent and we've got the smarts to do it right.

Anna came to drama too. It was so good to see her. Four days
without direct sight of her is just too much. It's killer I tell
you, KILLER! She's such a God-send.

I LOVE HER!!!!

That's it for now, bad guys.

Good night.

Post Memorial Day Recall

2005-06-01T08:04:00.000-05:00

Well Memorial Day was--to put it simply--fantastic!
I woke up early and played some computer games.
Then around noon I find out that my family is
going over to Uncle Ed's house.
To be completely honest I didn't feel like going
I was in a testy mood. But anyway we went over there
and started playing some games in the back-yard.

Anyone ever played full-contact-monkey-in-the-middle
before? I can add that to my list of accomplishments
(my imaginary "list" that is). I ended up having a really
good time at Uncle Ed's, but Anna got home that
afternoon from PA and when I got her text message saying
she was home I quickly set in motion the process of going
home so that I could meet up with Anna. Waiting another
day to see her just wasn't a possibility.

But a couple hours past and Meredith was still very much
into the backyard games and my parents were still "chatting".
So I go into my mom and I'm like, "Can we please get out of
here, I'd like to see Anna."

"As soon as we can, bud."

...

Jason walks in and is like, "I've got that stuff to take
over to the Showalters anyway, I'll take Marty with."

And with that statement he settled it. I have the coolest,
best friend. Who does that!? That's awesome. But anyway he
took me over to Anna's and wow was she a sight for sore eyes.

I sat outside with her and we told stories from the weekend.
So good to see her again. I was so happy she made it home
safely. I love that girl. I LOVE that girl! I need to be
praying for her more though. I talked to her on the phone last
night and she was coughing like there was no tomorrow. Poor
Babyblues. I can't wait till this weekend when I get to see
her again.

Yesterday I cleaned my room for the first time in a couple
years. Yes, years. It's great, I have a floor and everything!

But now I've gotta go mow the lawn.

And I have a summer job doing landscaping with Eddy and Jason
too!!

Stay sharp, Bad Guys, I'm catching up to you.

Tuesday was the last post, no way!

2005-05-29T15:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, seriously, who stole the week?

Cause the time FLEW by.

Wednesday was just flawless. I got alot of school done. And spent the
evening with Anna. We did a puzzle for an couple hours and when she wasn't
looking I was watching her. She's so pretty. And then we just sat and talked
and looked at each other for the rest of the night. PER-FEC-TION. What more
could I ask?

Thursday, I don't remember too much except drama and Anna came, I got
to give her another hug and tell her I love her once more before she left.
:)
(and she looked AMAZING in that choir dress! HOLY SMOKES! I'll have to go
to her concerts....)

Jason spent thursday night at my house. We watched House of Flying Daggers
and talked about girls and life and stories and girls. It's good to have a
friend that even though I haven't seen him much since last summer we still
get along great and can find stuff to do and talk about. Jason's an awesome
friend he's like a brother.

Friday I have no idea what happened friday...was there a friday this week?

Saturday hmm what did I do?? Oh yeah I went over to Matt's and hung out
with him. We watched some old Jamie Foxx stand-up. Quite funny. "High-five!
Higher! Higher" It had it's moments...
Me and Matt really shouldn't be left alone to talk though. The stuff we
come up with sometimes, it's just dangerous. Grizzly.

Sunday morning was cool, I love the Hamms and I don't want them to leave.
Maybe i'll just chain them to a post in my room or something. It's not fair!!

*sigh*
...could a post hold Betty??...

Anyway, where was I?? oh yes, Sunday morning. We had an all college/high-school
led worship service. They were all amazing. I love New Song.
Only thing that could have made church better was if we hadn't played that
cRaZy marshmellow game in class and if Anna had been there. Things just aren't
the same at church without Babyblues.

Well I don't know what else to say.

I might be a barber...and I have my own closet now...
(yes I'm serious)

Good night, bad guys, I'm off to read Drizzt.

Ya know!

2005-05-24T20:37:00.000-05:00

I really need a bloody job.
And I shouldn't have quit Meijer as soon as I did.

And I'm kinda pissed off about the whole thing.

*blows and drops head into hands*

If it itches, scratch it.

2005-05-23T20:30:00.000-05:00

Hey Aubrie!! (I put this in here just cause you're so
special)

Anyway, today has been long. I've done mostly nothing.
I did some school, and procrastinated on my chores.

I went to Olive Garden again today, and sadly it's
starting to look like I might not get the job. I'm
supposed to get a phone call, but I haven't yet...
I've got my phone on me though, just in case.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna go apply at a bunch of other places.
I've gotta get a job by the end of this week. I've REALLY
gotta get a job by the end of this week.

Oh and I might actually clean my room tomorrow too--if I
have time. Thing is every time I try to clean my room I
get majorly distracted. Like last week I started to
straighten up my bookshelf and within ten minutes I was
def. re-reading my Drizzt books. It's a problem I have. I
get distracted easily. (Cattie-brie reminds me of Anna with
her red hair!!)

But if I could clean my room then I might finally be able
to get some work done on book 2 of Ahl Eldon. I can't work
in there with all the mess, it doesn't bother me I just need
more room to pace...
And I can't work anywhere else cause I get too distracted.
You see my dilema.

So I'll clean my room some time this week, if not tomorrow
then this weekend--Anna will be out of state. *sigh*

I think I'll be abrupt toni--

GLD FEST!!! -- OH FIVE!!!

2005-05-21T21:40:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well, we are back from GLD and I must say: it was
awesome. We got there and enjoyed the worship service, to kick
everything off. And then we pretty much kept ourselves busy
talking before we went back to our dorms and went to "sleep"
for the night.

Saturday morning we woke up and prepared to perform. I watched
a couple dramas and then went to the chapel to see Ariel sing.
Thing is, Ariel wasn't singing in the chapel she was singing in
some other concert hall building, and I missed her. But hold on
it gets better, she showcased!! So I got to see her do the song
again at the final rally.

Personally I did very well. I showcased The Party (the drama I wrote
last year for GLD and got a "good" on--the worst you can get).
Take that you evil, writing judge!! ...sorry...

Anyway I showcased The Party and I got a superior outstanding on
Thomas. I much rather would have showcased Thomas, but I'm really
being selfish by complaining at all.

Our group did very well overall. Betty said she had never seen a
single church come and recieve such good ratings on so many things.
I was very proud of our church. New Song kicked butt, period.

Another highlight, naturally, is that I got to walk around campus
with Anna for roughly an hour, when you combine all of our trips.

She wasn't feeling well all day saturday. It really depressess me
to see her sick. I...I just...I don't know. I want her healed. I want
her healthy. It's not fair that she has to be sick all the time.
I feel so bad for her. She always keeps a good attitude though,
despite the fact she obviously is suffering. That's one of the many
things I love about her. She's cheery all the time. Even when she's
feeling rotten inside. She's always puts on a good face, and just
exudes happiness and God's love. She is extraordinary. Someday she'll
be better. I just wish that day would come.

Yes
No
Wait

...everyone should get that.

Good night, bad guys.

Welcome to the big time!

2005-05-20T08:50:00.000-05:00

Well this is my pre-GLD post. I figured
that I probably needed one. Considering GLD is gonna be so much
fun.

We have so many good dramas going this year I wish we could showcase
more than one. Cause I think we deserve it this year. Sin You Are Not
My Friend is just chilling. Fade To Black is something that GLD has
never seen before. The mixing of the video and Sarah's monologue is
simply fantastic. I love it, so creative. And Judas, ooooo Judas Judas
Judas. So SO SOO incredibly unnerving. Eric is amazing. I'd be shocked
if we didn't showcase.

I can't wait to see everyone else too. All the other kids and performances.
The music the art the stories. It's got me itching for the weekend to start.

Now the only thing left is the ride up.

...oh and packing. eek! Later!!

--Mart

Finally, a day with some potential!

2005-05-18T08:47:00.000-05:00

Well everyone, today is a big day for me
it's the 18th of May. Which means it's my last day of work at
Meijer. It's also (more importantly) the beginning of the fourth
month since Jason and I submitted Ahl Eldon to Tor.

*blows*
Any day now we could get a letter in the mail telling us whether
or not we have been accepted and will be published by the company
of fantasy companies, Tor. I seriously just can't stand to think
about it. It makes my heart itch. I want published!!!

But work today will be fun, I've got a five hour shift and I'm
going to do as little work as possible. I'm thinking about making
some type of announcement over the store intercom... but don't tell. ;)

And tonight! Oh boy tonight, I'm gonna teach Bible Study for the
first time ever! I haven't been nervous and I didn't think I would
be nervous when I agree to teach with Eric, but my nerves don't listen
to my head. I'm just a wee bit nervous now...

Today is kind of a milestone in more ways than one. Four months since
Jason and I felt Ahl Eldon was ready to be seen by the public. I'm finally
ready to teach Bible Study, albeit beside Eric. And I quit my first job
as I move onto a better paid easier one.

I feel like commemorating this day for some reason. Maybe I'll go out and
find a large stone somewhere that I can carve a rune into that symbolizes
all the things I've accomplished/will accomplish today. Or maybe I'll just
the intercom at work....

--Mart

I QUIT!!!

2005-05-16T22:09:00.000-05:00

*smiles* I quit Meijer!! YAY!! ...and wait, I'm also getting
a job at Olive Garden!! I'm so happy. Wednesday is my last
day at Meijer. I'm gonna just lazy around and say goodbye to
people.

It'll be great.

Anyway the job at OG isn't "technically" for sure yet. So be
praying that I get it. I need it badly. Since I've already quit
Meijer...

And well, that's about it for now. GLD this weekend. SOOOOOOOOO
FREAKIN EXCITED!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA SHOWCASE BABY!!!!!

...I bought a new shirt today too, it made me happy.

Good night, bad guys.

"Bluebird?"

"Yes?"

"Take yours to section G, leave it in the third parking spot, and get out of there."

"I thought I was the one detonating!?"

"Not anymore, once Fireball gets set in the other garage, he's gonna blow them all by remote."

"I'll be ready."

"Good."

The good, the bad, and the ugly

2005-05-12T22:22:00.000-05:00

...hey Clint Eastwood....isn't he...yeah I think so...

anyway

The good. I spent the last two and a half hours at
work sharing Christ with Arthur!!! YEAH BUDDY!! It
was awesome, he was asking questions and he was
genuinely interested and he wanted to know more.
I asked him if he wanted to commit his life to Christ
and he said he wasn't ready yet. But he said he'd think
about it all and talk to me tomorrow. I CAN'T WAIT!!
He needs the Lord, he knows it too. He's so close to
committing himself to God, I can feel it. I think he's
just afraid of having to stop doing certain things in
his life. He's afraid of giving up habits that he has
become absorbed into. I'll be praying for him, hope you
will all be praying too.

The bad. Anna, my dearest Anna, is sick. Which isn't
abnormal, but now she's REALLY sick. Not just her
"healthy cough" anymore. *sigh* It makes me wanna be a
doctor and find a cure for whatever it is that's ailing her.
I want her healed so badly. I just want her to not be in
pain anymore. I wish I could take care of her better. I can't
do anything. I just feel like I'm badgering her if I say
anything about it, I want to sympathize with her. But she
wants to be strong and just shrug it off like no big deal, like
she doesn't need any help or medication. She's so strong. I
admire her for that. I just wish I could be let past that
wall a little and comfort her.

And so, I reluctantly move on to the next topic.

The ugly. There is no ugly. Forget I mentioned it. My kitty could
be better though.

Good night, bad guys, stay sharp. I'm catching up to you all.

---Mart

a question for the masses

2005-05-11T21:58:00.000-05:00

Alright ever have something that you're not ashamed of
or you don't feel is wrong in any way. But you still
don't want certain people to know about it because
you're afraid of their judgement? Well I'm in a position
that I'm doing something, nothing bad, but something and
I don't want certain people to know. I'm not ashamed of it.
I don't ever feel guilty about it. I just for some reason
feel like I'd be judged. I'm not even afraid of the possible
judgement just I dunno. I'm confused as to why I don't want
these certain people to know what I'm doing.
Any advice? Input? Anything at all?

Look to your Orb for the warning...

2005-05-10T08:21:00.001-05:00

Going down now
The mountain screamed three times today
I guess it thought I'd like to play
How much does one have to pay,
To find if he can melt away?
Punching time can melt our minds
Sliding measures lands all the time
And an old man
Down by the river
Will he get some,
When he slows down?
To the space ship
That's parked at your doorstep
And it's waiting to take you away

Well I had a good weekend, sunday night Eric came over
and then we started calling people to go to the movies
with us. Eventually we went to go see Kingdom of Heaven.
It was, alright--in my opinion.
Honestly I felt like I had seen all the action before, and
the story wasn't developed enough. It felt like a REALLY
long battle on Helms Deep without orcs and elves...

Anyway I enjoyed myself--I was with Anna. I kept her out too
late though. We didn't get home till after midnight and then
I went home after dropping her off and leaving her (it gets
harder to do so every time). But once I got back to my house
Eric and Betty were waiting in the driveway for me. We talked
for another 15 min about the movie and other movies/actors.

Then in and to bed, where I sat all night awake thinking about
Anna. I love her so much, I can hardly understand it myself.
I constantly finding myself replaying scenes in my mind of things
I've done with Anna. She's so amazing. God has blessed me SOOOOO
much with her.

Good news in the career. I will probably be quiting in the next
few weeks! Ginger has informed me of positions that are opening
at Olive Garden starting at $10 an hour...Cha-Ching!!

So I'm going wed night for an interview and to apply. But if I get
that job then I'll be quiting Meijer! YAY!! I'll be making much more
money in less time and easier work. It'll be FANTASTIC!

Yesterrday I got my teeth capped, and afterward I was talking to the
dental hygenist and she was very impressed with me. She said and I
quote, "I'm not your mom, but I'm proud of you. You've got a good head
on your shoulders."

She was very nice. I was just being friendly but she went out and told
my mom how nice a guy I was and then my mom told me she was proud of me
too!! I felt good and warm and fuzzy inside. jkjk. But it was cool.

I worked a LONG shift in the wind and rain yesterday after the dentist
appointment. Bonus though--I made 12 bucks in tips! I used it to buy two
new shirts. One of which I'm wearing right now!! I'm happy right now...not
that kind of happy....

Anyway. I've gotta get some school done before I get my haircut today and
then I'm heading back to Meijer for another day. I'm gonna be positive about
my last couple weeks at Meijer, cause I know it's almost over. A chapter
of Marty's life is about to end at Meijer! And it was a boring read anyway...

*growl* and I'll get some breakfast. Later!!

Look to your Orb for the warning...

2005-05-10T08:21:00.000-05:00

My saturday beats your saturday!!

2005-05-08T18:40:00.000-05:00

The title says it all.

Good night, bad guys.

So, I haven't heard from you in a while.

2005-05-07T08:45:00.000-05:00

Well well well, my work week is finally over!! YES!! Two
days of rest is more than I've had in a long time.
Unfortunately I'll be working 53 hours next week. Don't
tell the authorities (under 18 youth can only work a max
of 48 a week). I'll probably die this next week of overload.
Let's just pray it's a slow shopping week, so that there
isn't much to do.

Thursday morning, I woke up and my eye kidna hurt. I went
to work, I woulda called off but I can't. My eye hurt all day at
work. Then I came home and looked in the mirror, my eye was
swollen and pink. I put hot compresses on it for a half hour
and then went to pick up Anna for drama. My eye was still
hurting. At drama my eye returned to being pink and puffy and
painful. Then I took Anna home...we got rained on. Cats and Dogs
(and meeses, bulls, ducks, snakes, etcs.). I came home from
that adventure just a bit shaken up.
Anyway I hot compressed my eye again (yes I made hot compressing
a verb). And the swelling went down some more.
Friday I woke up and my eye was even worse--practically popping
out of my head. Instead of soaking it I just got a really long, hot
shower and put my face right into the spray. That helped. Then I
went to work and it turned pink again. I came home soaked it. An
hour later it was pink and painful again. Last night I put some
stye-away medication on the surface of my eyelid. And it stopped the
pain nearly immediately. I was thinking, "Oh sweet! My eye will be
healed by tomorrow morning!"

Well, bad guys, it's tomorrow morning.

...

good guess.

More happened these last two days. Thursday was probably the funniest
day of work ever, for some reason, everything was hilarious. But I'm
gonna leave all that stuff out. I've got to go soak my eye some more...

Oh and I'm apparently getting married by the Church of the Earth.

Later!

I object!

2005-05-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

Whew, yesterday. I'm gonna skip my day at
work cause it was the same as it always is.

Bible study...
Pastor Brad said some stuff--zoom!
Alright, so we watched a movie about how media is ruining our
society. It was quite interesting, I liked it. Nothing in it that
I don't think I didn't already know. But it was informative.
After the short film was over, Miss Hill went up and talked to us.

I thought she seemed nervous or maybe even a little anxious and then
when I was talking to Anna later that night she commented the same.
Anyway, Miss Hill was talking fast. She told us about this study done
and how film really does influence people--esp. young people.

I actually was enjoying the lesson, thinking to myself: "This is good
stuff." But then Miss Hill said something that, well, I don't know if
it offended me or if I was hurt or both. She quoted Sleepless In Seattle,
"You don't wanna be in love, you wanna be in love in a movie."

She said that personally (and you could see in her face it wasn't easy
for her to talk about it) that's what she had looked for and pursued.
That perfect kind of romantic love in the movies. Guys chasing after the
plane, stopping weddings, traveling oceans for their lost loves, etc..
She said, "Maybe girls are more perceptible to this than guys, but it's a
big lie. I can't tell you how a big a lie it is. Don't believe that you're
gonna have that kind of love."

...ouch

I dunno, I must be malfunctioning or way to big a dreamer for the real world.
Risk and Romance. Maybe this is in my head--if it is, I refuse right now
to believe it is--but I'd Risk anything for the girl I love. And I want to
Romance her(as long as she'll let me), and chase after and pursue her. I'd
totally run down a plane for her, fight the war, slay the villian, find
the cure, or cross the sea. I guess I'm the odd man out. Risk and Romance is love.

If you won't Risk and Romance for love, then Risk and Romance don't and
never did exist.

I read last night a short story called The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.
Walter Mitty talked to himself, imagined himself as a captain of a ship, the pilot of a fighter-plane in World War Two, and even getting executed by a shooting
squad. So vividly it was reality to him. His real life wasn't satisfying
enough for him, so he made up his own pretend life. If you ask me, Walter Mitty
was an idealist. But he wasn't trying hard enough. That life, that ideal life
filled with Risk and Romance it HAS to be real.

I'm gonna find it.

Maybe if it is really as rare as Miss Hill makes it out to be, my quest will
be hard. But I shouldn't give up just cause it's gonna be hard. If you want my
opinion--you must if you're on my blog--that life, that love is WORTH all the
Risk and all the Romance someone can give.

I wanna be in love in a movie, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I'll be in love in both "lives" if I have to. I can love a girl and pursue that
kind of sacrificial love that they pursue in the movies.

...WHOA! I just realized something. That kind of love isn't an idealistic or
rare quality at all! Wow I feel...blind. That kind of love is exactly what God
showed us by sending Jesus. God loves me like that and COMMANDS me to try to
desire that kind of love with my wife and my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

I just had a big mood swing. Contemplative to laughing.

Later, bad guys.

Time killing kills

2005-05-03T22:47:00.000-05:00

I've got this weird feeling that, even
though the days are going by slowly. Time is passing way to fast.
I was all alone today in the parking lot of Meijer as I pushed carts.
And, I really started to think about how much time I'm spending at
my job. It's really not a fun job nor something that I want to be
doing. The only reason I'm doing it is for the money. I need the money.
I could easily find more entertaining ways to use my time. BUt now it's
too late. I'm stuck at 30 hours a week minimum until the 28th.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I just wanna go to bed, forever and dream about Anna and lost treasure
and adventure and pirates and sunsets and waking up

Good night, bad guys.

The events of my day:

2005-05-02T22:39:00.000-05:00

BLAH!!!
Anna visited me!!!
BLAH!!!

The End

If I was any less tired, I'd roll my eyes

2005-04-30T22:09:00.000-05:00

This is gonna be a really short blog, without
any deep thoughts or profound statements. "Because," you ask?

...because I worked an eight hour shift today with Chris. I tell you
right when I think I've already expierienced the longest eight hours
in history--I out-do myself.

One good thing happend though, I got visited at work by a positively
B-E-A-UTIFUL girl today.

Good night, bad guys.

There is a price...

2005-04-29T21:00:00.000-05:00

...for being as good looking as I am.

The way I see it--cause I have to look at it this way--I'm
just too cool and too darn handsome.

Yesterday, not sure if this is to my shame, but I got flowers
from a gay guy. His name is Chris, he works with me. And
apparently he loves me...

...I know. It creeped me out too. Funny how I spent nearly
all the time I was working with him talking about how great
Anna (my girlfriend!!) is.

Naturally my friends think the whole situation is quite
hysterical, go figure. And Anna found a rare funnyness about
it as well. Today, the day after Chris gave me his little
gift, she came to Meijer with a very nice bouquet of assorted
flowers, including a glorious little card declaring her love for me.

Now for the full effect of the story I find it necessary to
give a more detailed description of the incident with Chris.

--I'm heading out of work, I've already clocked out for the day.
I run into Arthur, another kid I work with, who is quite troubled
but a cool kid nevertheless. I was talking to him about his
court date the previous day (like I said he's troubled), when
Chris walks up with his hand behind his back.

Then the guy does the unthinkable, he brings around from his back
four or five pink flowers...for me.
"I love you." He says with a GAY smile
on his face.

Now, picture me with the most freaked out and
utterly confused look in the entire world. I look at him--he's smiling.
I look to the flowers then back to him, he's still smiling.

I'm so shocked at this point all of the smart-alec comments I could
make just don't come out. So I say the only thing I can:

"Who doesn't?"

And then I left, if Arthur had anything more to say, I didn't hear him.
I was leaving. Didn't take the flowers.

Yeah. Working at Meijer is an adventure, isn't it?

It's a shame I have to be so dang irresistable. But what can I say, I'm
a stud--it's a blessing and a curse.

And! If I give it a little twist, voila!!

2005-04-28T05:12:00.000-05:00

*snaps head in quick circle to look cool*
Yesterday, I was in a very confused state. No worries
though, I'm much better now (and in my right mind).

Ever get that feeling you're running in a large,
downhill, and slippery circle into black oblivion?

Well, if you have had that feeling. Or if you have it
now. You know exactly the OPPOSITE of how I feel.

Life is so weird sometimes, I just had probably the
longest day of my life yesterday (I think I pushed carts
for 1000 hours, at least; talking to the most troubled kid
I've ever met). And today, was just easy as
cake. No school, I mowed the yard instead. And hardly
anyone was shopping today. Went to bible study and actually
had fun. It's good when your youth leader can ACTUALLY
communicate in a way we as youth can accept and understand.
A way that makes us WANT to hear what is being said.
And then to top it all off, I've got the best girlfriend in
the whole world.

I might be insane, but I'm really blessed. God knows just
what I need and when I need it. Thank goodness.

Alright, alright!! I'll grow a cactus!

2005-04-27T03:44:00.000-05:00

Today while pushing carts in hell. I got eaten by a
small rodent. It was purple, and had six teeth. I
gave it indigestion and it regurgitated me.

It followed me around, it must have liked something
about the vomited-up smell. After an hour of being
followed, I tickled it. It peed its pants (yes it was
wearing pants), and then it ran away to hide in the
garden, because it also liked tomatoes.

I found a quarter, later I lost it.

My socks got holes in the toes, but I stitched them
back together with some metal wire. I need gauze for
my eyes.

I've got a melted down happy meal tucked into my back
pocket.

And the easter bunny decided to leave bad eggs in my
basket--they stink like the peanut butter sandwich I
didn't eat today.

..the bread was too crusty.

And finally, you ask?

Well finally--I. Lost. My. Mind.

scratches head

2005-04-26T05:50:00.000-05:00

Okay well, I've been noticing that life is moving too
fast. All of a sudden, I don't have the time to daily
update my blog--and it's so simple.

I'm becoming lackadasical in my blogging. It's not that
I don't have energy though. I've got lots of energy,
it's just that bland, sluggish kind. Like water in a
slow whirlpool.

Time seems to be crawling in some respects and zooming
by in others. I can spend all day at work and it'll seem
like eons but I can spend all afternoon with Anna and
it'll seem like seconds (too bad I can't reverse those
two effects). And time could not possibly move any slower
when it comes to waiting to hear back from TOR. I'm going
to go nuts, pretty soon.

...okay, I've gone nuts. DID TOR ACCEPT ME!?!?! DID THEY!?!

*re-enters real world* "Mom did the mail come today!?"
(that was a dumb question)

"yes."

"did I get anything?"

"no honey."

"dang it."

I'm going to bed

A Shadow On Me

2005-04-23T02:00:00.000-05:00

These petals this blackened rose in a soil all my own.
Shrouding your hallowed ground, like seeds who'll never sow,
like forgery and larceny and my ill-gained revelry. I recite
these scripted lines, while embers of a different time...go
drifting by. When every word you ever said came true. All I
missed in all of this was YOU, can you see a shadow on me?

Since that's out of my system, we can move on.

Thursday work then actor's studio...my life is repeating
itself. The whole day seemed like a big deja vu.

And today, well today isn't done yet, but work was...typical. Although
I did get paid to go to Subway for a half hour to get my bosses
lunch--they're unbelievable sometimes.

Well, it's friday night and I'm not about to be stuck at home.
I'm heading out so little to do, so much time!!
Good night, bad guys! (been listening to P86 too much again)

just been one of those (days)

2005-04-21T05:32:00.000-05:00

Well monday night I became violently sick with
what was most probably the stomach flu. Fortunatly
I've got the immune system of a super hero and
after I puked two hours, crapped to near death,
had stomach cramps that doubled me over in
excrutiating pain, and slept all day tuesday
I decided that I should get better.

Like I always do. I just decide to start feeling
better and it works. Just one of the amazing talents
God has given me I guess.

Anyway, it turns out that I got better just in time.
Tonight I was needed, and thankfully since I wasn't
sick at home I could help--what little it was.

Tonight was the first time I've been able to use my
pasts worst moments to strengthen someone, at least I
hope I did.

Well, life shouldn't be like it is sometimes. We screw
it up for ourselves. We exagerate and make things seem
worse than they are, to the point they become what we
exagerated them too. Point to point my point is: Life
really sucks sometimes, but you just gotta stick through
it.

If you're still here, then that means that God can still
use you to glorify himself, right?
That's really our main purpose to begin with. so that's
enough to "stick through it" if you really think about it.

I thank God everyday, that I'm still here, through all
of my own exagerated crap, and that he really does listen
to me (to all of us). Especially when we don't know what to
do.
The problem we have isn't that He isn't listen, it's that we
aren't. He's listening, He cares, He loves, He protects, and
He NEVER GIVES UP.

It's hard, sometimes harder than others. But giving up, won't
solve anything. Life is too precious to throw away. It's
just too precious. There are too many things left to enjoy to
stop any time soon.

...It's just been one of those days where you wish you didn't
have to care so much. But you do. You just do...cause deep down,
we all feel how precious and valuable of a gift life is.

Don't ever stop praying, He's listening. And He's responding.
Just listen harder...

a perfect reflection in her eyes...

2005-04-18T15:00:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna be vague because no one needs to understand
this but her...

Out there just sitting and watching everything with
you. No cares at all. Just enjoying the moment. We
didn't have to talk. We just had to be there...

...Too bad those chairs had arm rests. I've never seen
the moon like that before, and I'll never see it
another way again. It's so much prettier through your
eyes, I just wish you could see it...

...I really don't know what to say. You are too good to
be true. And (you said it well) it gets better and better
the more time I spend with you.

I understand being in love.

"...me neither." Someimtes I just realize how much I
need you, and I have to tell you one more time that I love
you--that's what's on my mind, I serious.

I love you.

Last Night

2005-04-16T23:00:00.000-05:00

After I got off work yesterday, I raced home, changed
my shirt, spiked my hair, and got ready to go to the
movies with the youth group.

We went to see Sahara. I had low expectations of the
movie to be quite honest. But I actually loved the
movie. It--in a strange, ridiculous way--inspired me.
Dirk, the main character, knew an impossible amount of
information about his profession (treasure hunting and rare
thingy finding).
I leaned over to Anna and said, "I want
to know that much about whatever I do." Funny I didn't
really realize how serious I was till today.

I want to be that knowlegdeable about stuff. And just have
random facts floating around in my head about cool stuff.
Like rare sea-shells and lost treasure. Too bad that's
not really a profession.

I think I'm a lost cause, I'm a hopeless adventurer who
hasn't been on any adventures. I'm a writer, with nothing
to really write about. I'm an explorer, with nothing new
to find. I'm a wanderer with no where to go. I'm a dreamer.
I'm a romantic.

I am definitly a lost cause...

WOW, I just depressed myself a little, lol. But the night
continued after the movie, thankfully. I drove around for
an hour talking to my favorite person in the whole world, Anna.
I don't know what I'd do without her.
When I'm with her, I can't help but think how God has made
a perfect girl for me who fits like a puzzle piece to who He
has made me and her to be.
I'm so lucky to have Anna. So SO incredibly lucky.

Now back to the real world, the real adventure.

"Sieze the day boys, sieze the day."

3 days till the 3rd month

2005-04-15T15:22:00.000-05:00

Today is friday, but that's not the important part.
Today is also, the third day before the third month
rolls around since we (Jason and I) sent Ahl Eldon
to Tor. We were told that we have four months to get
a response. Four months, everyone, is far too long
for me to wait. I can hardly stand it anymore, I want
to know SO badly if we got in or not!! My mind is
starting to worry about strange and unlikely things.

...did the letter back from Tor get lost in the mail?

No, no, that couldn't be...

I just should try to think about something else...but
for crying out loud! DID WE GET ACCEPTED OR NOT!?!?!

Tor (also the beginning of TORture...)

I am...

2005-04-13T15:00:00.000-05:00

...jealous

It frustrates me to see people with larger vocabularies
and more expierience in life. People with more to write
about and more than enough ability to do so. So I've
assembled my thoughts enough to say, I'm jealous of all
those people who have this incredible skill to put their
thoughts to written words. I've been reading some first
time writers, and thinking constantly, "I wish I could do
that." I want to use fresh nouns and more precise adjectives.
I want their to be color and intrigue in my writing.
I suppose it comes a little with age. Still, I'm very
green on the issue.

God has truly gifted certain people to write inspringly.
I want that gift. If I have it already, I want to develop it
more.

...

I'm going to go read the dictionary.

Word of the day!

2005-04-11T03:28:00.000-05:00

Today's word of the day is "haruspex" it meaning?
It's another word for "hanky panky in the back seat"
If you want the REAL definition look it up...

Well today was fun. I had a good time at church,
Anna scared me--I thought she cut all her perfect
red hair off, she didn't though. Just had it up.
I was almost in a panic. ;) She looks good either
way of course. But I like her hair the way it is.

After class--I actually left early--I went to the
Cubs game with Eddie, Tony, and Ethan. It was a
good game. And we were all entertained by Ethan
eating his peanuts and cotton candy. The Cubs won
after 12 innings. It was intense. Really cold though.
We were sitting in the shade and I was freezing.
Tony and Eddie were too they both had goosbumps and
Tony was shivering but they wouldn't admit to being
cold.
...being macho isn't always smart...

I'm beginning to notice that a day downtown has always
turned out to be a good day.

Sour on the bottom, eh?

Spokesman Rick

2005-04-10T05:30:00.000-05:00

So today at work, as much fun as usual. Got some good
stories out of it, I think anyway. But around 5:00 I
was running to catch up to Rick, who was being nice and
volunteering to come outside and push carts with me.
Anyway, I burst all the blisters on my feet while I was
running and well it hurt like a mom. So I walked around
for another five min when I realized I really can't stand
this any longer. So I went inside to talk to the boss
about leaving early. So I go inside and Rick comes with

"Just let me do all the talking dude. Whisper everything in
my ear like I'm your spokes-person or something."

"Alright."

So we go up to Karen (our boss) and we are about to ask
her and she moves to help a customer. This is when I
remember what my mom said "take off your sunglasses when you
talk to your bosses." So I take off my sunglass.

"Dude, put those m---- f---- shades back on! You gotta
stay cool. Just act like a big shot, movie star or s---."

*note I'm censoring Rick ;)

So I put the glasses back on and Karen walks back over.

"Marty's feet hurt alot."

"Do you want to go home?"

Rick leans over so I can whisper the answer to him.

"Yes, he wants to go home right now."

"Are you guys serious?"

Rick leans over again.

"Yes." I nod.

"What time are you supposed to be here till?"

Rick leans over once again.

"Seven."

Karen gives us this blank stare Like you guys are
morons--do you blame her??
"Okay, you can go home. You should soak your foot."

Rick leans over again.

"Marty says, 'thank you'."

Karen shakes her head at us both and walks off. I clock
out. I go home. Sweet!!
...I owe Rick one now, that was awesome.

Then I spent the rest of the day hanging out with the
sisters. Fun fun.

Church tomorrow, I'm excited.

Oh and for some reason, I've
been thinking about Tyler Carlstedt, alot this week. Pray
for him, he's a smart kid, lots of potential. He's just
gotta get focused on the right things. I miss him. I really
do.

I am the enrolled one!

2005-04-07T19:50:00.000-05:00

I am going to high school, I've got my classes
selected and I've got myself registered to attend!
I'm so happy. Extatic really.

And the wonderful thing is all 28 and 1/2 credits
count!! So I don't NEED to take anything. I'm taking
all blow-off fun classes! I've got 8 classess. Can
you imagine how many people I'm gonna meet! I can't
wait, how come there has to be summer in between
now and school? I'm so happy and excited and nervous.
I CAN'T WAIT!!

What I Want

2005-04-06T05:34:00.000-05:00

I want to be the guy who welcomes you back
no matter how many times you runs away. I wanna be
the guy who falls for you again and again every day
and every night. I want to be the guy who sees and
loves every beauty you possess, because to me you
ARE beauty. I want to be the guy who can drown in
your tears, burn in your anger, fade away in your
rejection, and suffer to death in your pain...and at
the bitter end of it all be willing to endure it
again, for the sake of your heart.

...so I give you my heart. Of course I want yours in
return, but if you aren't ready to give it, I won't
complain, I'll wait. Mine is yours anyway.

I saw the lake again today. I didn't go to it,
I just saw it....

Nothing like cart pusheling....

2005-04-05T15:21:00.000-05:00

Well, yesterday was an absolutely beautiful day outside.
Best weather we've had all year if you ask me. Great
temperature, with a nice breeze. I could be positive and
say "Yay, I spent all day outside!" But I'm not going to
be, lol. Because I spent all day outside at the Meijer
parking lot with ALOT of cranky people. I got yelled at by
customers 6 times yesterday. One of them was vury vulgar
too...
I laughed at her and she got more upset.
It amazes me how rude and crass some people can be to
complete strangers. *sarcasm begins* Some people really
know how to make a goooood first impression *sarcasm ends*

Anyway, Anna stopped by to see me (I love that SO much, it's
like Christmas) and I met her friend...I'm bad with names
I think it was Jessica? yes that's it. She seemed cool, she
had a The Used shirt on. I like The Used. Anna looked as happy
and amazing as she always does--just a little more so.
Anyway, work yesterday was BRUTAL. The only cart pushelers
out there were me and Tim (special needs Tim), and it was more
like a Saturday than a Monday. I ended up working the whole day
by myself until around 8 when Bastert came out--yes, I know it
is a vury unfortunate name.

Then I came home and chatted online for a while after watching
Super Nanny or something. The Nanny in that show is AWESOME. I
hope my wife is alot like her (in some ways).

Anna was asking some loaded questions last night, and I was really
tired. But I meant all my answers. And Anna, so you know, I've
been thinking about all of it for a while before I brought it all
up. One of those many "dating in HS problems" I guess. But you know
me: "I never plan that far ahead."

"What watch?"
"Ten Watch."
"Such much!"

SHE'S BACK!!!!!!!!

2005-04-03T22:22:00.000-05:00

Title says it all, my weekend has been made a
fifillion times better cause Anna is home safe
from NYC.

I went to see Robots today, I liked it (for
computer animation). Funny movie, Robin Williams
is just a great comedian--even through animation.

Day over, weekend over...me: happy!

Another one drops behind me--March

2005-04-01T04:34:00.000-06:00

Whew, March is over. Alot of good and bad things
happened this last month, overall I'd say the good
outweigh the bad though. I've been really blessed.

Moving on...recounting the last few days. Wednesday:
it was good I worked out in the rain, actually kinda
fun. It was warm and the water actually was kinda
refreshing. I like the rain. There was a HUGE rainbow
and I could swear it went RIGHT over the Meijer parking
lot. After work I went to Bible study--it was an
interesting lesson. Supposedly on sex, but it turned
into a conversation about masturbation and porn...
Definitly an interesting Bible study.
Anyway, after that the guys went out to Taco Bell.
Some fun.

Today, well today had it's ups and downs.
Up: I got a NINTY FREAKIN SIX PERCENT on my Chem final!!!!

Down:I apparently have bad taste in music and it's getting
worse. I need headphones...but whatever. I'll be getting
a replacement CD, for a CD I had confiscated from me--it was
"inappropriate".
But without the sarcasim, it probably was a little
inappropriate but I do wish that my dad could see I have
the discernment to turn it off, once I found that out.
That he could see that I'm not gonna sit and listen to
stuff that is getting to me. It's like watching movies,
I can watch movies with bad language, sexual inuendo, and
I can recognize it as bad, and not something that I should
repeat. I can do the same with music. There is music that
I listen to, that I shouldn't sing along with (say they
curse in it for example) so I DON'T I censor my own music.
And I'm capable and willing and I WANT to censor, my own
music choices. I'm just not being given that option. And
frankly it sucks. There are other aspects, such as: "Does
it glorify God?" But that is a whole different topic, that
I can avoid by asking, "So I shouldn't listen to 'non-
chrisitan' music at all?"

Upish: Anyway thursday did get better before it closed out. I went
to lunch with Mrs. Hamm, Miss Hill, and Matt. That was...an
adventure, LOL, always is. Then me and Matt played some ping
pong in the game room. I beat him two of three technically
but then I was really smart and said the third game takes all
and he won. So (today at least) Matt, you are the better ping
pong player.

UP: Then I came home and played some games with Aubre. That was fun,
haven't had much time to do that with work and all my other
responsiblities. Then we went to drama (we: me and Aubre) YES
I TOOK HER TO DRAMA!! Drama was actually more fun than I thought
it was gonna be without Anna. I went off to practice my sketch
with Sarah and we ended up just talking for the whole time. Miss
Hill came in and was like "What are you guys doing? Did you do
any work at all??" I look and Sarah and she just gives an "mmmmhmm"
--an obvious lie. But we went back out to the sanctuary to perfom
the sketch that we had been "practicing" and I actually think I
did priee well. I got a standing ovation so apparently yours truly
can act!

Up: Then on the way home my Anna called. *sigh*
I miss her. I really do.

...
...
alot actually...

alot

*wanders away*

blistering feet and bliss tearing eyes

2005-03-28T22:31:00.000-06:00

My feet, they are basically wads of blisters--nice visual
huh? It's from...wait guess...yep cart pushing, go figure.
I blame the carts--I blame them for everything now it's
easy too. Good thing is I got new shoes, correction BOOTS
today. They are brown--thought I'd put that in here too.

Well, Anna is gone, currently on her long ride east to NYC.
I made sure she was sitting window side, by a girl--to be
safe. I called her on my break from work and she said she
saw a shooting star!! While on the phone with me!!! I thought
that was really cool, I've never seen a shooting star, I'm
gonna put it on my list. I told her to make a wish and she
said that she did, and that she could make it come true too.
I dunno what kind of wish that is, but she said she'd let me
know. I called her at a busy time though--right as the bus
was stopping for it's first break. So she had to leave, I
didn't want to hang up the phone. Hence my bliss tearing eyes.
It's so good to talk to her, makes me so happy, so content.
But she's gone, now I can't talk to her whenever I want to.

Well I've got lots of homework (I got a 94% on my history
test today!), and I work tomorrow. That's all for this blog.

Hey Leslie, I know, I know I've written better, but BEAT THAT
TITLE!!! Jealous much??

Weekend of the year!

2005-03-28T08:01:00.000-06:00

Well friday, I worked a three hour shift in the rain
The only bad thing about friday! After that I went to
the church to get make up on to make me look like a
homeless bum--quite a challenge. Anyway, when I was
finally finished being dolled up I looked AWESOME. I
was seriously a bum, I had a bruised eye, blood shot
eyes, stubbly beard, and dirty face--it was tight.
I then became part of the scenery and sat in the alley
for the Expierience the Passion of the Christ Walkthrough.
I was apparently really convincing cause some people
didn't recognize me, I scared children, and a few
ladies skipped the station they were so creeped out.
I'm such a good hobo!!!

Anyway, saturday I worked, but I can't remember much about
it, cause after words I went over to Anna's and we
watched The Emporer's New Groove--we are too cool--and I'll
end there and finish with saying the night was AWESOME!!!

Sunday--EASTER!!!!!!!!!-- I LOVE Easter, it's SO much fun
Anna described it perfectly in her blog:

He has risen!! That's for sure. It's a great time to celebrate. With colors and food and family! It's an amazing time

Easter is always so much fun,
church is always just awesome, cause everybody is really
happy and it's a great time to worship. And then we went
over to Uncle Ed's as a family for dinner--a long dinner.
After that I went out with Anna, we went on an Easter
scavenger hunt and collected autographs of people who were
working on Easter! Like I said before: we are too cool. It
was a BLAST. Then we came back to her house cause her mom
had hidden Easter eggs and we looked for those for a good
45 min. I felt like a little kid, it was fun--good times,
making memories with my Anna. ---- - ---- --- - ---- --
---, --- --- ---- -- - ----- --- ---.

Then I left her house and went home. She's leaving today for
NYC =(
Keep her in your prayers for safety.
Babyblues, you're in my prayers, love you sooo much. Have
fun in NYC.

a one sided phone call

2005-03-25T07:57:00.000-06:00

There is def. something wrong with my phone,
that or God gave me a blessing in disguise
last night. Tried to call my Anna, but my
phone was wack and I couldn't talk to her
but I could hear her. Through a series of
text messages, I managed to communicate that
to her. I called back one more time to talk
to her--the final attempt! I still couldn't
talk to her, but she talked to me. So SEXY!!!!
ROFLMBO oh man... I'll never forget that
phone call.
Love you, Babyblues, you're the best!

TEN cart rumble!!!!!

2005-03-22T22:04:00.000-06:00

Today was similar to yesterday, boring.
Pushing carts at Meijer is so unbelievably boring
when you are by yourself.
I'm offically stating my frustration at my coworkers.
THEY ARE SLACKERS. I swear there was six people supposed
to be pushing carts out there today wanna know how many
were? Two--me and a special needs guy...
Says alot about the others work attitude doesn't it?

Anyway, if you haven't already read my Ode from a Meijer Hater

That's all for tonight I've got SO much to do, homework...homework...homework....

EDIT:

Anonymous wrote:
but don't you just love working with leslie newton? she is just so cool. i wish i could work with her.

That's definitly from Leslie, LOL! Yeah you are cool, lol. Man I laughed so hard at that.

Ode from a Meijer hater

2005-03-22T13:57:00.000-06:00

I'm the only one who does what I'm suppose to
Everyone else is slacking, their work is poo
How come I get paid so little?
The day is so boring
People are staring
They over work me
Cause I need the money
Part time is over time
There making me work on the Twenty Fifth
But Anna is the one who I want to spend it with
Meijer, oh Meijer, why do I put up with you?
Meijer, I hate you

Pretty much how I feel right now, lol. I'm working too
much, but I remember how bored I used to be without the
job and how I had to sponge off my parents all the time
and now I don't have to (as much). So I really shouldn't
complain. I just wish I had a little of my free time back,
I don't even have time to spend with Anna. I don't finish
my Homework until like one in the morning and my bible
study till later than that. I'm getting less and less
sleep, and it seems like I'm doing less of everything,
except work. I have NO time to work on Ahl Eldon. I really
want to write too.

...alright this settles it I'm telling I can only work 30
hours at most...hmmm how much does that work out to???

IT'S FREAKIN OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-20T19:31:00.000-06:00

*biggest sigh I can make* It's finally all over.
Relief is not a fair word for how I feel. There
has literally been a weight lifted off of me.
I'm so glad this all worked out--and peacefully
too! Oh man, so glad this whole problem I caused
is done, forgiven, and in the past. Now all
that's left is for me to work on the attitude of
my heart. Self-control that's what I need. Now
you know, so please pray for me.

I ALMOST wish that the site was more popular with
the youth leaders now, so that Mrs. Schriner could
see this. Cause her lesson today could not have
been more perfect. It was exactly what I needed to
hear. Amazing how things work out to God's planning.
What a blessing in disguise that Mr. Wangler messed
up his knees and couldn't be there today to teach
class. God is truly working all this out
miraculously. His plan definitly doesn't make sense
to me. Even now that this is over I still don't get
why it couldn't have been avoided in the first place.

...scratch that--I learned a valuable lesson, one I've
learned before, and one I don't want to have to learn
again: WORDS HAVE POWER FOR GOOD AND BAD,
period. I've also learned that I need to have a more
level head when I get upset. My temper, it's bad. It
has been for a while, but it HAS improved with God's
help. And it will continue to.

It's good to know that situations like this can be
worked out. Hard HARD situations like this. Nothing is
impossible with God's help. And now, I need to thank a
few people, I'll make sure to do this in person as well
but, here it goes anyway. Matt, thanks I don't know
what I woulda done without you there to help me out and
keep me light-hearted during all this drama. My parents,
for being understanding and listening to me, and taking
my side. Mr. and Mrs. Showalter, thanks you guys are SO
cool, you're support was just what I needed. Anna, for
talking to me when I needed to talk, and sharing with
me what you thought about the whole thing as well, and
for staying strong, you ROCK! Mr. Aloisio--you'll never
see this--but you were the PERFECT mediatior, helpful
and understanding. Staying neutral and bringing up
points to me in a way I hadn't thought of before. And
weirdly Dr. M, I was wrong you pointed it out--I need
that--and you still accepted me--after some drama ;)
Thanks to all of you.

*smiles and sighs*Alright, that's it, I'm calling it a
night. Love you all, thanks...as always, more love to one. ;)

still under the rain cloud, but the sky's clear in the distance

2005-03-19T10:03:00.000-06:00

So since I missed a few days I'll back up till Tuesday and
let you all know what happened for my whole week.
Monday night I had "slept" over at Jason's so that we could
get up early and leave for our camping trip. We didn't go to
bed until around 3 in the morning so we didn't end up leaving
till 10:30 the next day anyway, lol. We are geniuses....

We had a good ride down to Shawnee, a solid six hours with all
of our detours. Then, we "camped" for tuesday night.....

Anyway the camp site sucked and we came back earlier than planned
on wednesday night. Definitly the most fun I've had on a road trip
ever. We had music going screaming, talking, and reminiscing about
old times. I wish it could have been longer.

As far as work on Book 2 went--it went really REALLY well. We mapped
out the entire second book, something we unwisely never did for Summons.
I think Book 2 will be a much easier project. We haven't even started
the actuall writing process yet, and we already know the plot, what
characters are gonna do what, what Jason and I are each gonna write, what
we want to accomplish, etc. I'm more excited about this second book now!
On the side: still no word back from TOR.

Thursday was fun I lounged around and did priee much nothing and then went
to drama, picked up Anna on the way--I swear that girl gets prettier each
time I see her. Drama was vury....difficult. I finally did the first run
through of the drama I wrote: The Party, and well, Sarah doesn't want to do
it the way I had originally had it written. Oh well, I trust her judgement,
and with all my mad drama skill it doesn't matter anyway I'll be the bomb!
jk jk.

Being around certain people is becoming awkard, I haven't put my finger on
why yet. But I'm poking around as best I can to find it and I'll find it soon.
Trying to determine now if it's everyone who is changing, or if it's me. *shrug*
Life is still great either way, I've still got my family, I've still got God--
and He's got a plan, and I've still got my friends--most of them are sticking
by me--and I've still got Anna. *thinks about it and smiles*

Friday was just FREAKIN AWESOME!!!!!! I spent ALLLLLLLLLL DAY with Anna. My poor
Babyblues has had a really hard week, I did my best to make things better. I
hope it was enough, I'm praying for you, Anna darling--always am. Come to think
of it, lol, LOL, we didn't do anything except talk for nine hours! ...and listen
to music. Time FLYS when you have that much fun. Kind of a shame.

Anyway the whole situation that began just over a week ago has now finally started
to begin clearing up I think. Apparently it WAS not REALLY over the whole profile
thing. At least Olivia's problem wasn't. Last night after I returned from my Anna,
I had a big talk with my dad. Apparently after he had talked to Dr. M he learned of
some things that I said about him, in an older blogging website (anyone noticing a
pattern of me saying stupid things over the internet??), and it hurt him alot.
But I came to him, and asked him about it and I now know what I did--I know what Dr.
M is so upset with me about. I'm no longer confused, and I know what I need to change! I'm vury relieved. Things are resolved with my parents, they're on my side
when it comes to me and Babyblues and Dr. M's involvement in the matter, and there are no more hard feelings between us. Things with Babyblues could be better, last
night we got more rules, lol. Oh well, whatever it takes.

And now one last thing.
To Anna:
I didn't know how to say this last night, without sounding like I was making light
of the whole situation. But I realized once I got home and had some more time to think that I need to tell you this bluntly: I don't care what's happened before, I'm sticking around until you say go, all is forgiven. I love you, Babyblues.

SpIrALinG fUrThEr

2005-03-14T07:20:00.000-06:00

All I can say is that the more I try to make the situation
better the worse it seems to get. At this point though it
seems as though I'll be left alone, if I do nothing else.
And I'm strongly considering doing that--nothing. I'm not
sure the friendships--yes friendships now--are worth, or
ever were.

If my "friends" can't forgive and forget something as stupid
as this joke then, I'm gonna have to say screw it. Cause I
can't worry about "friends" like that. I've got better friends,
friends who wouldn't leave me when they get upset with me, or
give up on me cause I'm hard of hearing and insensitive
sometimes. So I'll be okay, I've still got alot of blessings,
and through it all I've think I've become closer to a bunch of
people. So maybe it's not so bad in the final outcome.

This will be my last post till thursday night, when I return
from my camping trip with Jason. Pray for our safety, as well
as ideas for book two to race out of our minds and scribble
themselves down onto paper as fast as possible, and for us to
have tons of fun!!!

Gonna miss Bible Study--the first lesson on purity too, darn
*snaps*-- and actors studio, lol, forgot to tell Betty. Fellow
drama folks, please guard my back on that one, lol.

Alright well that's it, I kinda feel the need to say this after
this last weekend so: Love to all...and as always more to a
particular.

a tragic end

2005-03-11T23:27:00.000-06:00

Well I missed a post last night, thursday had started off
great. School went well, and I was all smiles and perfectly
content when I went to pick up my dear Anna for actor's studio.
Miss Hill had wanted to talk to me, so when we were winding
down for the night, and getting ready to head out, I headed
into the office to talk to Miss Hill. Miss Hill wasn't the
person who wanted to talk to me. Olivia, good old Olivia, wanted
to talk to me. I thought--my friend Olivia--wanted to talk to me.

Of all my friends, Olivia is the one whom I would never expect
to hear "I don't want to be your friend anymore" from. We've
been friends for as long as I can remember. The whole time she
was talking I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I hurt her--
I hurt her badly, with that comment in my profile. Hindsight is
always 20/20, and now, it hardly seems worth the laugh I had at it
all.

If I had thought about it at all I would have seen how insensitive,
it was. I would have seen how it could hurt Olivia, my friend Olivia.
But I didn't--I was just so angered by the way I had been ridiculed
by her mom in front of everyone. It was so crazy, and I should have
controlled myself a little better. If I wasn't so, so scared I guess
of Dr. M then I would have talked to her about it directly.

Then I never would have put that stupid crap into my profile. I never
meant it to be that offensive. Looking at it now, I don't even think
I posted it out of anger at Dr. M. In fact, I kinda hoped that Olivia
would tell her mom, cause then I know that I would be forced to talking
to her. Then I could have a chance and be in a situation that I would
be able to say what I wanted to her. I never wanted to hurt Olivia.

Where was I... oh "I don't want to be friends anymore."

I've never felt a loss like I did when she said that. I've screwed up
before, I'll screw up again. And sometimes, I won't know. And sometimes,
despite how much of a jerk it makes me feel, I won't know that I have.
I won't be able to see, that even after things have been "reconciled"
things can't go right back to the way they were. How I wish they could...

I guess the lesson that I'll learn from this is that I need to be more
sensitive to my "friends". I've never thought of myself as an insentive
guy, apparently--and I'm learning the hard way--that I am. I know, that
Olivia won't ever read this--why would she bother reading my profile
again?--but I'm sorry. I truly regret ever saying that. I wish I could
restore the relationship--but she said that she didn't want to try--that
I would have to make the effort to be friends alone.

It can't work that way, a friendship it's two way, but then again, love
isn't. Even if Olivia doesn't want to be my "friend" or have anything
to do with me, cause she doesn't want to get hurt again. I've always
thought of her as a friend, and (those of you who know me, know that this
is not easy for me to say about anyone) I love her. And I guess that it's
all I can do at this point.

Her scars are my fault and I don't know how to heal them. So this is it,
a tragic end to a life long friendship. And now it only seems fitting
for me to make my plea:
My Friends, you're what's important to me. Like I said earlier, I've
screwed up before, and I'll screw up again, so my plea to you is, that if
I don't reconcile with you, or I don't realize my own flaws, point them
out--cause I don't want to loose any more friends. And if I could lose a
close a friend as Olivia, over something as stupid as a joke in my profile,
then I suppose no one is off limits to losing. The fact pains me--but I'm
glad that I know, glad that I can try harder now.

And, so that I can end with hope, rather than being depressed (I'll thank
my Anna for always showing me the bright side), maybe someday when I'm not
so dumb, Olivia and I can be friends again, for now, I'll just pray that
the day isn't so far away.

The glowsticks are gone, and I will really miss them--I don't like to repeat
myself--but, I heart them. ;)

t trd fr vwls

2005-03-08T22:51:00.000-06:00

Well not really too tired for vowels, but priee close.
I really wanna put something in here, but I've got no
comments (from anyone reading) and can't think of any-
thing on my own. So that's it for now.

I'll be glowsticking again tonight...

one black scribble down

2005-03-07T22:08:00.000-06:00

Monday, at least Meijer-monday, is over, and it's a
wonderful thing. whew man I can't believe how worn
out I am after just six hours of cart pushing. I'm
definitly getting there on that ripped thing. I
already have a constant flexing look going now...it's
cool. :)

The six hours today actually passed relatively fast.
I worked hard the whole time, and discovered something
to keep from being bored--singing. And out there in the
parking lot, with the roar of the carts ahead of me, I
don't have to worry about anyone hearing me--though the
stares I get are fascinating.

I musta been screaming hardcore metal as loud as I could
and still no one could hear me, out there alone in the
parking lot in the farthest section (section J) there is
plenty of time to think and sing and scream.

Honestly as good as I think cart pushing is for my physical
body, I think it's messing with my head. I noticed today
that when I wasn't singing...I was talking to myself. Today
I figured out how people go schizophrenic. They have absolutely
no one to talk to for extended periods of time so they make
people up--like I did today.

Anyway, I'm beginning to realize that with all this "free" time
on my job, that once I'm physically fit enough to not get tired
it's gonna kick butt. I'll be able to sing and scream and no one
will care, and I'll be getting paid for it! I just really need
to get to that point where I'm not exhausted after work.

It's only a week now till me and Jason go on our inspirational
camping trip to get pumped up for writing book two of Ahl Eldon.
I can't wait. I've got so many ideas buzzing around inside my head
just itching to get onto paper--if only I had the time. I'm gonna
miss seeing Anna on thursday, while I'm gone though.

Well I've got homework, and I've been getting to bed later and later
each night. Last night I was up really late with a glow stick that
I accidentally cracked. I used it to light up my picture of Anna.
Come to think of it...I'll probably do that again tonight--intentionally.

a small glimer of hope

2005-03-06T22:09:00.000-06:00

Well it's sunday night, and looking at my schedule for
the week, oh gosh, it makes me shudder. I work everyday
but thursday.

Those scurvy Meijers managers know that I'm too scurvy
hard-working, and they are abusing me. Oh well screw it,
I'll be ripped and I need the money.

The only good thing about this week is gonna be tomorrow,
I get new glasses and contacts!! I'm so excited I can't
wait. And then of course, thursday will be wonderful--I'll
get to see Anna. And I have the day off and I've got Actors
Studio--it's gonna be a good day.

Anyway, as I stare at my black scribble that fills in the
pages of my calender and work week, I see the two white
spaces on monday morning (the eye appointment) and thursday
all day. They practically glow.

Well I'm absolutely dead tired. I'm virtually a walking
zombie.
Now if only I could decide whether to tackle the homework or
the pillows...

BERSERK!!!!!!!

2005-03-05T22:03:00.000-06:00

So apparently only my Anna is brave enough to take
my quiz, you're all wuses...did I spell that right??

Anywho

You know how when you read those terrible stories
of post office people going insane and killing the
masses, and you think to yourself...how could anyone
ever do that?
I used to think the same...then I pushed carts at
Meijer for eight (8) hours, I no longer wonder...

Anyway, time passes incredibly slow as you push
hundreds of carts, from the cold outdoors into the
shopping center known as meijer. And your breaks pass
unfairly fast.

The dull rumble of six carts is now a recognizable
sound to me. And the ache in my legs and arms, is
as severe as I've ever felt. Not that I'm complaining.
Cause I'm not. Just making note of my tired body.

Actually the job is nice. I can do it alone, if I want.
Or if I get bored enough I can help out my fellow Meijer-
slaves.

It gives me lots of time to think, and pray. Oddly I
don't take advantage of it enough. I look at my watch
more than anything, counting down the disgustingly long
hours until my next break, when I go home, and when I get
to see Anna next--all at the same time. As well as counting
the number of carts I bring in...surprising how much math
is involved in cart pushing.

And I realized today that, my cell phone cannot accept
messages or calls when it's tucked away safely in my
glorious locker, cause it went off like a billion times
when I took it out to go home tonight.

Well tomorrow is church, I have no money--despite the having
a job thing--and my small group is supposed to be going out
to lunch, I'll be sponging off the parental units...
Only a couple hours now till I see her again, and she'll be
such a sight for sore eyes. This is the first time since
Meredith has been back that we've both had free time so I'm
gonna go play a game with her or something. Good night everyone.
Good night, Babyblues, love you tons!

My attempt to learn:

2005-03-03T18:46:00.000-06:00

Okay this is a quiz that I want anyone reading the
site and who knows me to fill out and answer. Just
cause I'm curious, and wanna know. Please be
honest--not sarcastic...
And remember to sign who you are!

1. "if i were a tool on a table, and you walked in
and saw me lying there, what would you assume i
was made for doing?"

2. "describe me as if i were some unexpected weather."

3. "what's the quickest, surest way to make me angry
with you? what if you wanted to make me happy?"

4. "if you found me in your house one day, which room
would i be in, and what would i be doing?"

5. "in a medieval storybook, what kind of character
would i be? what about a sci-fi? a high-fantasy world?"

6. "if i were a kangaroo, what color would i be? how
fast would i hop? "

7. "if you wanted to trick me into believing a lie,
which of my weaknesses would you take advantage of?"

8. "if i were a disease you could catch, what would my
symptoms be?"

9. "if i could change the way i looked, what would i
end up looking like? what if you could change me?"

10. "if i were a book, would i be softcover or
hardcover? would my pages be dog-eared? would i be
found on a coffee-table, on the shelf, under the bed,
next to the reading lamp, or in your hands?"

...good luck on some of those, lol.

One down on the list!!!

2005-03-02T22:13:00.000-06:00

Today was the last day of my Meijer training. I now know everything
I need to in order to work at Meijer...and a little extra.

You have no idea how long a process learning about Meijer is,
someone should have warned me about the whole thing.

But the good news is, today I got to check something off my list!!
I am now the proud owner of...a LOCKER!!!! :D

So yes I really want to blog right now, but nothing is coming. I'm
dry,like the top of my knee, on ideas.

Morning Thoughts

2005-03-01T07:28:00.000-06:00

Well, I must say, that for about a month now,
my daily thoughts have been generally the
same--all about Anna.

There is a spot in my heart that is, always
will be, and should be reserved for my God.
The focus of my life, is my relationship with
Him. And I don't want it to be any other way.
When my life is focused on Him, things go
better. things go smoother, life is more whole
in every respect. and I feel like my life is
moving in the right direction. I feel my
purpose. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time,
when I'm focused on Him. God is the drive of
my life, and that's the way I want it.

But as I said in the first place, my thoughts
are occupied in other ways. Anna is the
first thing I think about in the morning. Maybe
that's because I've got a picture of her
beautiful smiling face on my alarm clock, but
that doesn't explain why I think of her when I
roll over in bed the other way too. And I have
no problems with it.

More than anyone has in my entire life, Anna
inspires me to be like Christ. For the first
time in years I've been in the word daily--for
the last 48 days now. I pray more and more each
day. Partly because it takes so long to thank
God for her but more so because I have a desire
to pray that I never had before.

Anna is such a blessing in my life. She's not
an idol, I think about her constantly from the
moment I wake up untill the moment I wake up
again, but she's not an idol. An idol wouldn't
drive me to my God, and she does. She encourages
me to walk with him, sometimes without even
saying anything.

Anna is, without question, the best thing that
has influenced my life for God. Of all the great
believers I've met and know, she's the one who
has inspired me the most.

So my morning thoughts...they're thankful.
Firstly thankful for Anna, cause she's first on
my mind. And thankful for my salvation and
relationship with my God, because she reminds me
of it.

To Anna:
Anna darling, *wink* thank you so much. For
everything you've done, and what you are doing
for me. I know, there's been alot of drama going
around because of us. A few mistakes made already.
But whether it's an interview, or a scolding, or
whatever I'm sticking around through the drama.
After all you're my #1 Person! We're having fun
through it all, right? I know you're not ashamed
too, you wouldn't walk around in the grocery store
holding my arm if you were. I'm there for you as
long as you want me to be--even if dreams do
come true. So much more I could say here, and
so much I can't even begin to express.
I'm praying for you, I'm thinking about you, and
I love you. Stay strong, Babyblues.

Draw me close to You...
Never let me go...
I lay it all down again...
To hear You say that I'm Your friend...
You are my desire...
No one else will do...
Cause nothing else can take Your place...
To feel the warmth of Your embrace...
Help me find the way...
Bring me back to You...

How NOT to do things...

2005-02-28T12:37:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, you just look at stuff you do, and
you wonder--why did I do that? Guess this is
what can happen when a joke is taken too far
or the wrong way. Never meant for anyone to
get hurt. I don't even think that anyone else
saw my profile, but the person it would hurt.
But that really doesn't matter. I should have
thought more about it before I put it up
there. Me and my bloody temper, under control
and yet, rampant on the internet...

In the future I'll try to think more before
I talk. A joke taken the wrong way was all it
had to be. But sometimes it just goes farther
I guess. I'll learn, I hope. I'll definitly
be more careful in the future. Never meant to
hurt you. Sorry I'm so dumb sometimes.

If I could take it back, you know I would.
I'm so sorry.

And, I know that I need to confront the right
person. It might have seemed like it but the
whole carressing thing wasn't directed at you.
I'm not upset with you and I wasn't. It's just
I have a hard time talking to her. Especially
when she's offended me. Normally it's just
best to let it go.

But lately it's been getting harder and harder
to let go, cause she keeps getting more and
more in my face. I really do appreciate her
care and compassion sometimes. But other times
she needs to know where to draw the line. Or
else she just ends up charging across it. And
she also needs to learn when to speak--another
part of learning to cross the line. I'll talk
to her about this though--that's the right
thing to do.

GRA, I hate confrontation, especially over
dumb crap like this. Some stupid joke, taken
the wrong way, and then blown way out of
proportion in front of everyone. Just not
right, it never should have happened. But
it's as much my fault as it is anyone else's.

This has to be taken care of soon, vury soon.
Cause it's getting priee crazy.

Solitude

Days before Christmas

Top 50

The Unexpected

Mandark

It's those eyes

Getting Away

train of my thought

Back to cart pusheling

Six Months

Profit?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daydreamin'

Dress Rehersal

Highlights of Last Night

A Love Story

This isn't who you think it is.

C.S.S.

Bluck and Rellow

I'm home

All the way from WV

My red bleeding ...

12:58

What happened?

My 35 hour day

As I walk in another man's shoes...

Just close your eyes and take a slow breath

WOO HOOO!!!!!

It goes like this

Request

Punch in the face!

11 a.m.

My real-life ideal

One to another

Post Memorial Day Recall

Tuesday was the last post, no way!

Ya know!

If it itches, scratch it.

GLD FEST!!! -- OH FIVE!!!

Welcome to the big time!

Finally, a day with some potential!

I QUIT!!!

The good, the bad, and the ugly

a question for the masses

Look to your Orb for the warning...

Look to your Orb for the warning...

My saturday beats your saturday!!

So, I haven't heard from you in a while.

I object!

Time killing kills

The events of my day:

If I was any less tired, I'd roll my eyes

There is a price...

And! If I give it a little twist, voila!!

Alright, alright!! I'll grow a cactus!

*scratches head*

A Shadow On Me

just been one of those (days)

a perfect reflection in her eyes...

Last Night

3 days till the 3rd month

I am...

Word of the day!

Spokesman Rick

I am the enrolled one!

What I Want

Nothing like cart pusheling....

SHE'S BACK!!!!!!!!

Another one drops behind me--March

blistering feet and bliss tearing eyes

Weekend of the year!

a one sided phone call

TEN cart rumble!!!!!

Ode from a Meijer hater

IT'S FREAKIN OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

still under the rain cloud, but the sky's clear in the distance

SpIrALinG fUrThEr

a tragic end

t trd fr vwls

one black scribble down

a small glimer of hope

scratches head